I got a text message from a man that I met recently: “Hey sexy“. This was his second communication with me after our initial meeting. I know that people assess sexual attraction early on (like, within seconds of meeting). I’m not insulted to know that he finds me sexy, but I find it unappealing to have it expressed that way so soon. I had a pretty strong feeling that a lot of women felt as I do when it comes to the complaint of the day and my Twitter sistren confirmed that to be true. Here is a small sampling of the response:
@inetespionage: Could he not call me “beautiful?”
@CONVOpolitan Hate it!!! Don’t TELL me that you’re thinking about sex in the first 5 seconds dude!!
@dstarwriter59 it all depends on the intentions between ya’ll. If you know you’re in it to win it (long term) its a no go. If you’re in it just for a good time and a few back-blowing sessions, then it’s cool. All about where you’re at and what your intentions are.
@kainicole depends on who’s saying it. Truth is if a hot guy calls you sexy, you are going to be ok with it…
I wont lie: in my book, passes are given occassionally on the basis of interest and attraction. This is true for a lot of things, from height to the number of children sired. But when you compromise certain things, you have to be prepared for the consequences. Maybe Mister “Hey Sexy” is a harmless cornball, or perhaps he’s just trying to smack it up, flip it, rub it down (oh no!) without anything else. But even if he is fine, it’s a turn-off for me. Not a deal-breaker, but a turn off.
Personally, I don’t really like being called “sexy’” by a man until we have gone there already. It feels like I’m being reduced to the sum of my sexual appeal, and while desire is EXTREMELTY important (I don’t want a man who doesn’t find me sexy and I don’t want one who isn’t sexy to me either, shoot)…I don’t want to feel like that’s the only thing you want. Unless it’s the only thing I want too, but that’s why effective communication is key, so we don’t waste each other’s time.
As you can imagine, even the women who agreed on the “sexy” tip had different views pet names in general:
@kimmiepooh Much rather be called my name, cutie, or beautiful. saying “hey sexy” & I barely know u rubs me the wrong way.
@Kymberle Names like honey, dear, sweetie annoy me. Everyone gets called that. What’s “special” for me!?!
I’m personally ambivalent about the nickname thing. I’m terrible at names. Terrible! I went on a date with a man who’s name I couldn’t remember. My phone book now is embarrassingly peppered with names of men based on what I can remember about them “Cali Guy”, “Philly Rapper Dude”, “Man at Bodega”. So call me “Sweetie” if you forgot to put my name in your phone, I don’t have a leg to stand on with that. But I think a good rule of thumb, one I need to work on: call a new person by their name until you’ve established some sort of connection beyond “you saved my number, right?”
It seems like men are a little bit more inclined than women to toss that “sexy” word around and it’s really not one I think you should use so freely. I hear it from men on the street and even on the net and more often than not, it makes me uncomfortable. Sex is a space you should be invited into. I’m not interested in knowing your sexual desires and tastes simply because I’m walking down the block, because I follow you on a website or even because I gave you my number. The irony is that the actual act of sex (if it was even a possibility) becomes less likely when the idea of it is presented before it’s time.
Let “sexy” wait until respect and mutual attraction are established. If you met at a bar and did some sexual flirting, then hey, maybe the time came sooner than later. But more often than not, play the Brand Nubian and SLOW DOWN.
I don’t know, I tell women they look sexy all the time. Doesn’t mean I want to bed them. But I guess saying a woman is looking sexy and calling her sexy aren’t exactly the same thing?
But as a male I’m only offended when ugly chicks call/address me as sexy or white women lol. I don’t think a gay guy has ever referred to me as sexy but I reckon that’d be problematic too.
came here to hate,hate,hate, but i see where you are coming from. as a man, i’m not envious of the assault of “hey i’m attracted to you sexually” messages women must face everyday in our societies. sometimes i may be envious, or just ambivalent to the fact that “hey I think i like you” attention could be oppresive and traumatic to some, or at some times.
also, love how you are integrating twits with your posts. are we still calling them posts?
-@dameSTATUS
Once again, you’ve hit the nail right on the head. Calling me sexy, sweetie, or any other such impersonal nickname so soon after meeting really does reduce me down to one attribute when I have a multitude of great attributes other than that one – or so I’d like to think
YES! I hate when some guys do that. Please call me by my name until we have establish dating & you pass my application process. Had the experience of a guy texting me ‘Hey Baby’ & we barely knew eachother a day! Making matters worse: the text had a Fwd: tag on it… yea.. *DELETED*
I’m also bad with names but I’m very upfront about it. Within first meeting a dude, I’ll warn him that I’ll ask him name several times cause I have a bad habit of messing people names up & already have bad hearing (bad combo).
I definitely respect your opinion. And with that will say that the “sexy” monicker is one to be used on a case-by-case basis and in due time.
I personally have never been the type to “holla at/get at,” throw out exclamations of a woman’s exterior, to her in passing unless I know her already. But as I was reading this entry, I think this can be chalked up to a difference of opinion between men and women. Where as we (men), may just be more apt to use terms like this on a regular basis, without any real thought into their effect. If for nothing else than the fact that we are just way more visually driven creatures than females are.
Now please don’t take me as a “Hey Sexy” apologists, just throwing some insight from a male pespective. “Hey Sexy/Beautiful/Pretty Lady/etc.” is viewed as nothing more than a greeting towards a woman in our books, who just so happens to be attractive. Moreso than it is a sign of our wanting to invite ourselves into your bedroom (of course I am not speaking for your average group of cat-callers).
But, with all that said, I definitely respect a woman’s not wanting that to be thrown around so early and easily. And its definitely something more of us should be made aware of, so that it can be taken into consideration.
I totally agree. Let’s wait sometime. I think we’ve already established the connection of attraction. I don’t need to be reminded every time we speak.
I categorize numbers too!
Shame on him texting like that first!
Great post. I’m annoyed by nicknames from strangers. If in your attempt to meet me or get to know me, you refer to me as if my name is “sexy”, “beautiful”, or “sweetheart”, I will not be flattered. I will just assume you have no concept of how to treat a stranger with respect and are therefore undateable. If you don’t know my name, the proper terms are “miss” “ma’am” or even “sista”. Nicknames are reserved for people who know me intimately. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels that way.
I couldn’t agree more! I have grown to dislike with a passion the name “Baby” as well, but “sexy” is definitely a big turn off.
@Mr. RLW: This is a heads-up. Like “Heyyyyy, you know that thing you guys do? A lot of us don’t like it.” I chose not to get in to a weighty consideration of why you do it (there is some patriarchal stuff happening, yes), but instead just put it out there that it creeps a LOT of women out. Especially on the street. I have been called sexy by men who…inspire celibacy in my loins. You can explain the reasons for it all day long, but I got no less than FIFTY FIVE different women on Twitter today saying they don’t like it. That’s something to consider.
Dear J-Full:
We don’t like it.
-The Management
cosigning ST please & thank you
Once again you are in my head. I think it’s sleazy to refer to a woman as sexy when you aren’t that familiar with her. I’ve had to tell a few guys,”please call me Nikki” in response to the “hey sexy” text or email etc. It’s especially annoying when I’m minding my own business and some joker approaches me in the street that way.
Hey Prude, j/k SistahToldjah. I hate bein called sexy, too. -_- y’all womens are spoiled. Cat calling, and sweet pet names have around for ages. Can’t get rid of them. You may not like being called sexy, (so soon) but best believe, other women do. I bet it wasn’t the first time he’s initiated textual convos like so, and I’m sure it has worked (or else he wouldn’t continue doing it). My personal favorite from a girl if she is into me & I’m into her is an emphatic yet simple ‘Hey U!’ It’s cute. It’s flirty. It’s refreshing, and it comes off as an exciting greeting inviting an equally energetic response. But guys hav been socialized to play the cool, calm, reserved role… Or they are destined to be labeled too EAG. I’m sure his ‘Hey Sexy’ is not said so in malice. So if it’s not the type of salutation you desire, tell him so & STOP BEING SO DAMN SEXY LADIES! #imjussayin & #thatisall
I feel like many men revert to terms like that so they don’t have to remember names or so they don’t inadvertently call you by another woman’s name.
I tend to agree with Mr. RLW’s explanation for the most part.
Upon meeting someone, I think body language speaks volumes on attraction. The overt “Hey Sexy,” just seems kinda lame to me as I could imagine the line used countless of times so that shouldn’t be the approach.
However, there is great truth to what @KaiNicole says. If “Damn, He’s Sexy” is the same thought that’s going through your head as he says, “Hey Sexy, let me get that door for you”, there wouldn’t be an issue.
Agreed that this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but definitely not appreciated so early in the game. I don’t even use nicknames for people (male or female) until I feel we’ve established that level of familiarity. If your name is Thomas and you say, “Call me Tom,” I will call you Thomas until I feel we are cool like that. So pet names are definitely reserved for special folks, not someone I just met. That being said, I do tend to call people “hon” a lot, but still, these are people that I know. “Sexy” on the second call/text? Definitely side-eye criteria. But I’ll still respond. ;o)
JShayne- If you want a good laugh, google “Sister Toldjah”. (BBM “lips sealed” smiley). Now, to be honest, I didn’t correct the guy who sent that text. So technically, it “worked” on me (other things, however, did NOT work *pours out liquor for that conenction). Jay didn’t call Ron Brows and say “You should really stop that autotune BS”, he made “DOA” and the universe responded accordingly. Hopefully, some of the fellas reading this will think twice before hitting send on “Hey, sexy” and change it to “Hey Sis” (I wear dashikis, I like being called ‘sister’) or “Hey, beautiful” or “Hey Kim” or…dare I say he calls her instead!
This gave me some food for thought, though. I have had discussions like this with men I knew for longer periods of time, but I’ve never told a dude who I just started talking to how I felt. There is a delicate dance there. If I tell the dude right away, I may scare him off- costing me a potential boo AND the chance for a teachable moment. But am I compromising my values if I stay quiet? Hmm.
I don’t like it when strangers refer to me as “hey sexy” either. It is a MAJOR TURNOFF! It’s totally different when you have some familiarity with a person. Just stick to something else like “Hey Miss Lady” or something! lol
@Monk- Here lies the problem: I will go on record saying it’s a whole lot more likely that a man is having the “She’s sexy” thought than it is she’s having it about him. I just feel like the odds are against this being a good move and why not err on the side of respect? I also see the lesson here: women, we gotta speak up more. These dudes don’t have a clue how we feel if we don’t tell them somehow.
see this is why men and women clash so much. seems like if we say anything other than your name it’s a problem.
“hey sexy” is just a general greeting.
I call a girl “cutie” trying to be… well cute… her reply was “cute?! cute?! dogs are cute, shoes are cute…”
I’m like WTF! there is no winning with ya’ll women.
as for the “Don’t TELL me that you’re thinking about sex in the first 5 seconds dude!!” comment, men have a penis, we thinking about sex in church.
I’ve been battling the same feeling: wanting to be liked for who I am not for what I may look like in bed. I just tweeted the other day that it annoys me when guys bring up sex in the first conversation, whether it’s “Girl, you got some sexy ass legs” or “I need a sexy sista like you on my arms.” Both are compliments but make me feel like an object rather than a person. Something about a guy calling me gorgeous (even if he might be thinking sexy) will make me blush faster than a gift card for the MAC store. For the long run, I’d rather blush than consider sex in the initial interaction any day.
I’m definitely not a fan of when men make comments like that too early, for some reason it just seems inappropriate. That’s almost as bad as when you have an initial conversation with a new guy and he’s already asking about your favorite position. Just makes you wonder what’s really on his mind. Is he really interested in getting to know you as a person or getting to know you in other ways, if you know what I mean.
I totally agree with this post. I don’t mind being called sexy after we’ve established how I’m a total package of sexy. If you only know my name, don’t call me by any other.
So on point, it’s really annoying. Some dude jumps in front of you and in the seconds you’re trying to decide if he’s friend or foe, he comes up with ‘Hey Sexy’. What exactly do you know about me? Men are still not ready to slow down for a minute and think about women’s feelings or that not all women react the same way.
oh, @ deejai, it’s not a general greeting and you don’t have to talk about everything you’re thinking of. Keep your church fantasies to yourself till you get to know each other better.
Thank you for positing this one because I thought I was crazy. I thought I was the only one who thought hey sexy, sweety, and beautiful was inappropriate let alone annoying when you barely know someone and they are texting you that kind of message.
I am new to your blog and I love it your point of view is amazing
Oh ghods, NO, do NOT do that.
If you are a friend who has known me (dated me even) for years, you MIGHT be able to get away with that…. and then there better be a
after it…
To hell with “cutie” or “beautiful”. How about my NAME? You do remember my NAME, right?
Cosign this post. Very recently, a dude who I’ve been communicating with (IM, b/c I’m out the country) said something very… shall we say “forward,” to me. I do like him, but the fact that he said that makes me feel like he’s only in it for the nookie. Things ain’t been the same since.
“There is a delicate dance there. If I tell the dude right away, I may scare him off- costing me a potential boo AND the chance for a teachable moment. But am I compromising my values if I stay quiet? Hmm.”
First, I want to say even though I do don’t agree with everything posted I enjoy your blog. I have learned things and confirmed others through reading it.
Your above statement:
I have heard this from women about everything from saying you want to get married to what you current relationship intentions are and it does not make since. Teachable moments aside….If you (you being any of us) feel so strongly about anything that can play out between the sexes and you are secure in your thinking why worry about looking crazy and scaring a guy away? If you feel what you ask is reasonable or right why be concerned about losing someone over it?
I broke up with a long-term girlfriend who was too worried about something being crazy and a deal breaker for me instead of being real about who she is and what she wanted. I found out later and it did not keep me around. It was still a deal breaker.
And the Autotune thing: Folk are still making hits with it despite Jay Z’s track….and their making money off people who claimed to not like autotune; so get more autotune.
I’m with you. While I do like being called by a pet name by that special guy, when EVERY dude does it, from just looking at me and not knowing me as a person, is a little annoying. And I appreciate the eloquent way you stated your position and where we’re coming from. Hopefully dudes will pay attention, keep this in mind, and tell their homeboys!
excuse typos in my first post. im going to try again….
“There is a delicate dance there. If I tell the dude right away, I may scare him off- costing me a potential boo AND the chance for a teachable moment. But am I compromising my values if I stay quiet? Hmm.”
First, I want to say even though I do don’t agree with everything posted I enjoy your blog. I have learned things and confirmed others through reading it.
Your above statement:
I have heard this from women about everything from saying you want to get married to what your current relationship intentions are and it does not make since. Teachable moments aside….If you (you being any of us) feel so strongly about anything that can play out between the sexes and you are secure in your thinking why worry about looking crazy and scaring a guy/girl away? If you feel what you ask is reasonable or right why be concerned about losing someone over it?
I broke up with a long-term girlfriend who was too worried about something being crazy and a deal breaker for me instead of being real about who she is and what she wanted….and what she was doing(She wanted me to keep it real though). I found out later and it did not keep me around. It was still a deal breaker.
And the Autotune thing: Folk are still making hits with it despite Jay Z’s track….and they’re making money off people who claimed to not like autotune; so we get more autotune.
I don’t really mind it. I guess when you don’t hear compliments from men a lot, you tend to appreciate the ones you do get.
Guess I am an outlier here, but I love being called sexy. And the closer I get to thirty, I notice this becomes a less frequent occurrence. So now when it happens—call me a trash-box hooker a la Ne Ne Leakes to Kim Zoliak—but I am flattered. Many men in the professional circles in DC are either so politically correct, taken, disinterested, or otherwise neutered that good old fashion cat calling has gone the way of the 8-track. Quite frankly, you have to go to the hood to hear the long forgotten “heeeey seeexxxy” or the somewhat refined alternative “aaaay shawwwwty”. I guess it’s just the DC in me, but I am not offended, insulted, or otherwise put off by the term sexy.
I provide a full response to your post here:
Come Here Baby: You Sexy Motherf%#$@ : http://wp.me/pN33W-5s
Thank you for this post! The brothers need to read this, live it, and learn it. This has always been such a turn-off for me and, quiet as it’s kept, I kinda thought it made me a little bit of a prude. But this very thing has ruined many a holla/first date for me. This alone can bring a 10 down to a 7.
I suspect a part of it is, as a woman, I enjoy the chase or game as much as he does. And putting sex, even if it’s just the allusion of it, right on the table, kills the game. It’s like starting a marathon and taking a cab to the finish line. Not cool.
FWIW, I don’t like to do it either. The fact that I’m happily married has only a little to do with that.
If men were taught right from the start to regard women as friends first (preferably before adolescence), then they could respect their sisters enough to know that such language is reserved for a different circumstance. Why should someone creative and intelligent be reduced to physical attributes simply because she is a woman?
Mind you, I can wax poetic all day about the callipygian regions and the parabolic curves of a particular woman, but only when (and not a moment before) I feel that she would be receptive to that. Men just need to exercise patience when it comes to how comfortable they are with the women in their life.
I understand that cat calling happens (as some people pointed out), but this isn’t about some random man on the street lol. This is about someone that’s approached me with the (perceived) intent on dating. And saying to me “hey sexy” when I barely even know you makes me grate my teeth. Anything remotely related to sex is a no-no in those first few conversations because thats the last thing that should be on your mind when you talk to me (or should I say expressed verbally). It’s a turn off for me and I have no problem telling a guy that. Will it run them off? Maybe, but I gotta stick to my guns when it comes to certain things. I’m a cool chick but that’s always been a sore spot for me.
And let me say, I find it interesting that even though it’s being stated over, and over, and OVER, that a LOT of women don’t like it, some men are STILL brushing it off. Men will sit and give friggin dissertations on what women do that they don’t like and we’re suppose to take it as the gospel and change to fit their ideals yet any time we voice something that we don’t like that they do, it’s like “eh, it’s not that serious, just deal with it or ignore”. I understand we live in a world of double standards but good grief. Clearly it’s not as cool as you think guys lol. But hey, this is just me rambling…
That would be a huge turn-off for me too. I did date a guy who after the first date e-mailed me to tell me he thought I looked beautiful. I thought that was just the nicest thing ever. Plus he called me by my name first and he had a lot of other things to say than just that, so it didn’t come across as him just telling me that for some ulterior motive or sounding insincere.
But ‘sexy’, ‘hot’, ‘cutie’ etc? No, thank you. Too soon.
@KimKim, I agree.