There is yet another very compelling narrative to emerge from the discussion surrounding Chris Brown’s BET performance/ redemption/breakdown/moment of narcissism or whatever you’re calling it. I watched the video clip again last night and this time, I paid more attention to the faces of the people in the audience.
From Ann Powers of the LA Times:
Watching Brown’s performance, I was intrigued by the cutaway shots of rapt fans, captured by the BET cameras. Those shown in close-up were mostly women of color, cheering, nearly crying themselves. One mouthed an exclamation that was like a prayer: oh my God.
I read about Brown’s emotional breakdown before I saw the tape, so I can’t say that my own reaction to his performance was what it might have been had I been watching it in real time. But seeing these women so rapt made me think.
A confession: I made a comment when the incident first occurred that I deeply regret regarding the rumor that Rihanna had given Brown an STD. I re-read my first post on the assault from last year and I see where my own tone was (admittedly) less concerned for the young lady than it should have been. As I recall, my friends and I were emailing back and forth about it and someone had some “inside scoop” about Rihanna’s jealous and violent behavior. Until the picture of her injuries leaked, it had become very easy to convince myself that there was a fight, not a beat-down. I thought he’d ‘just’ struck her once or twice in response to her hitting him. I didn’t automatically assume that he’d beat her bloody and even as I acknowledged that he’d done something wrong and deserved to be punished…I essentially took his side.
Part of it was the fact that I was a fan of his adorable boy-next-door image, something I’d wanted young Black girls to have for a long time. I would not have been protective of Rick Ross or Justin Bieber in that way, I’m sure of that. And perhaps Rihanna’s edgy “bad girl” image made it easier for me to buy into the notion of a fight. Had the victim been someone with a good girl persona or someone who we knew nothing about, maybe that would have changed things. (Side note: I’m a college-educated, well-read feminist in my mid-20′s and I’m revealing how much someone’s stage persona can impact how I view them. Imagine how these things look to a 12 year old.)
Yesterday, I called in and spoke to one of my favorite folks, Albert Butler of ”Al B. In The Afternoon“; he made a really great point about how our desire to combat the external assault on Black men has allowed us to at times be hypersensitive about certain things. Holding a pop singer accountable for a vicious attack on his girlfriend is not ‘trying to hold another Black man down’. I think we have found ourselves at times to be, if not overprotective, protective in a very ineffective way.
A man who sounded to be about 40 called in to defend Brown (“You know how these young girl’s mouths can get and then they get upset when somebody touches them”) and also managed to speak up for R. Kelly (“Yeah, she was 12, but she knew what she was doing and why was she there in the first place?”). I’ve heard both these statements in many different forms as they relate to these famous men (from people of both genders and all ages) and I’ve heard the same sentiment when it comes to non-famous people who are the victims or criminals in cases of rape and domestic violence.
It would be impossible to accurately compare how a Chris Brown situation would play out with a young person who isn’t famous. You’d have far less people weighing in, you’d have to consider the specific community in which it took place, etc, etc. We have long since learned that we tend to give celebrities more leeway than the common man in certain instances and far less in others. However, I do think the public reaction…my initial reaction…to this story (from the arrest to “Man In The Mirror”) speaks to a desire to protect young Black men. Something we should do, but not at the expense of young Black women and not in a way that stifles the growth of the men we call ourselves ‘loving’.
I’ve spoken to a number of young women in my community about the Brown incident and I was devastated to hear the “Well, she must’ve did something to get him that upset” meme over and over. Though I shouldn’t have been so surprised, given that even I was having a hard-time letting him be the bad guy until I saw that photograph. When I look at this video from the other day, I couldn’t help to think back to that protective instinct. I’m not condemning any of those women on there, I don’t know what they were thinking. But it put these things on my mind.
One of the big push-backs that I get when I talk about feminism is that Black men have been so callously treated by society-at-large that inter-communal criticism just seems to be adding insult to injury. But I can’t think of anything more abusive and insulting to our brothers than to suggest they aren’t capable of behaving appropriately, respecting themselves and others and being held accountable for their misdeeds. Unconditional love does not mean the death of expectations and criticism.
I’m not obsessing over Chris Brown, but I am hoping that we can use what has transpired as a teachable moment. I know that I have had allowed this to be an opportunity to take a serious look at myself and the way I process certain things. I hate being called a ‘male basher’, but damn if I want to coddle our men either. Whether its the kid on BET or the one on my block, I want to show love in a way that encourages growth, mental and spiritual wellness and responsibility. I’m working on making sure I’m actually doing that in both thought AND action and I hope others will do the same.
Shielding black men from rightful criticism does nothing to empower the black community. Rather it fosters an odious sense of entitlement and victimhood and stunts the black man’s growth.
I’ve now grown weary of combatting the “Rihanna must’ve done something to make him hit her” arguments. I just pack my brain up and keep it moving.
I think a large majority of the people in the crowd and watching who were moved by his performance were moved because of his almost seamless Michael Jackson performance. I don’t think had he been singing one of his own songs and cried would it have been seen in a moving or forgiveness worthy light.
The whole message here is valid though. Unconditional love requires and element of tough love.
Good post. I feel a bit of the same way, except I never really sympathized with Brown for a moment since the incident. That emotion he displayed at the BET awards only reinforced what I know about domestic violence, which is that perpetrators of these crimes often will display a lot of remorse, cry, promise never to do it again, etc. This is why so many women have a hard time leaving. After seeing his “breakdown” I understood why Rihanna took that bamma back.
On another note, I am deeply disturbed by the overwhelming sentiments by young men and women lately on this incident and his “redemption”. From the celebrities on BET ( Diddy, Taraji, yall need to do better) fawning over dude, to ppl saying things like “he only slap her,yall need to move on” and “go chris brown, rihanna is a slut anyways” and “he aint hit her for no reason”… I cant help but wonder if we are getting the next generation primed to be victims and perpetrators of domestic violence. This is not how you support black men, by turning a blind eye to their faults and excusing shortcomings. Remember who the victim in all this is.
Well put Toldja. I agree with the sentiment of criticism and accountability as it pertains to Black men. I have a question though; what do you all think we should do/teach our young men as it pertains to the initial assault other than don’t lay a hand on the woman? In close confines of a two-seater at that? I didn’t have the best example growing up and I’m very curious to hear what the sma
rt thing to do is.
Speculation, speculation speculation. This whole deal between those two has been countless and tiring moments of speculation. She did not go into full detail about what happened in the car, neither did he. I am at the point that I do not care anymore, it seems that she has gone on with her life, he would like to go on with his if we (the public) can put him off of the cross for just a bit. I dont understand what we want out of him. He was tried, he was convicted, he did his community service, what is there to do now? Should he scrub his knees everywhere he goes and apologize? I think not.
What we as an African American community should have been doing was making him aware that he was wrong,teaching him how to deal with his anger issues, and that it would nevertheless be ok and lift that child up. Rather we did just what they want to see us do, kick rocks at our own people right along with them. When they (Caucasian men) do it all the time in their community, and never crucified as hard as this child has been.
Look at Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Terrance Howard,Scott Peterson all women beaters…*looks around* Yet I dont see them being bashed like this child.
I said it on twitter and I will say it again, people obsess about their lives as if they are family members. You (the public) dont know them, you (the public) just pay them.
I was at work and a little girl, 14 came to me, and she had been clearly beat up by her boyfriend. She refused to go to the cops bc “Rihanna got beat up and she’s famous and pretty, ppl don’t believe her, they’re mean to her. I’m just a nobody, I’ll get it worse.” So coming across things like that, I have a hard time NOT being more protective of Rihanna. Ppl constantly say, he’s so young and we shouldn’t stone him, it will hurt him. Ppl make the incident about him and forget the victim. Rihanna is young too. She’s going thru this publically. And my whole take on the BET performance, it was a tribute to MJ, mostly through dance. Man In The Mirror? Who uses Man In The Mirror. I believe his tears were real, but I feel the use of the song implies that there was an agenda behind it. The irony of the lyrics… Not a coincidence to me. He couldn’t get the first words out, but then all of sudden he’s running around stage, beating his chest… I may still be overprotective of the women victims, but I didn’t buy it. I was crying along with him, that song always makes me a lot of ppl cry. But I think CB and his people knew that…
I agree with everything Amina stated. Honestly, people are just on Chris Brown’s side because he is Chris Brown. Had this been a random due that beat Rihanna, EVERYONE would have taken Rihanna’s side. Chris has, yet, to take the blame for what HE did. He continues to state, “I’m sorry for what happened.” People want to say that this was Chris’ rock bottom, but rock bottom is when you can admit you have a problem, or admit your faults. He has yet to say, “I am sorry for what I have done.” He states it as to say it was just an altercation. Domestic abuse is NO joke. I have seen my fair share of it, and it is always the same; beat, apologize, repeat. Chris, to me, has showed no fault or remorse for what he has done. Period.
I appreciated this, Toldja.
But to those ready to leave this behind I’d like to simply remind of you reality ::
In reality, bad credit follows you around and impedes your ability to buy a house, car, etc.
In reality, sex offenders are placed in a registry where their sordid pasts can follow them and impede their ability to be employed, find housing, etc.
In reality, a DUI can impede your ability to be employed, etc.
If BAD CREDIT follows you around, why the hell shouldn’t something like beating the crap out of your girlfriend (a CONVICTION) not follow you around? Reality is not so forgiving. People need to get REAL.
It definitely seems like the men in our community are coddled, defended and protected while our young women and girls are not. This essay reminded of me a recent situation where a woman basically told two young black girls that the issues that young black boys deal with are more important and deserve more attention. I was quite upset that she basically told these girls that they don’t matter as much as boys.
Your talking about how you initially viewed the assault on Rihanna was influenced by your perception of her “bad girl image” speaks to the dangerous idea that only certain types of women are allowed to be victims. basically if you aren’t some religous traditionally feminine nonsexual woman, then you are some slut/whore/bitch who deserved what she got.
Yes, black men deal with a lot of shit in our society, but so do black women and both sexes should be treated with respect and love (especially by our own community). Also, neither group should be coddled and defended when they do wrong.
Agrees with Ricky and Sasha.
@April how can anyone help Chris with his anger issues when he repeatedly said in interviews that he doesn’t believe he has an anger problem and his mother co-signed it?
And when you say take Chris down off the cross, what do you mean? Do we owe him a platinum album, hit singles and sold-out concerts? Cause last I checked, he’s walking a free man and no one is impeding him from living his life in any way.
Dope dope dope!
The candor of this post is thrilling and should be a model or many of cultural critics.
Have you ever heard the phrase black women raise their daughters and love their sons? I think as a culture we tend to overcompensate for the way society has treated black men, and, like you mentioned, trying to protect Chris Brown may be an example. I think you’re spot on in your analysis of the situation. I too wanted to protect Chris Brown b/c of his clean cut image. I wanted to shield him from the consequences of his actions, but as the details emerged, there was no covering up or making light of what he had done. Some four days after the performance, I am still at a loss about what to think. Whether or not he was crying about himself or Michael Jackson is irrelevant. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, but I am not quite sure he’s gotten the help he needs. I have yet to see a sincere acknowledgment of responsibility from him, and something tells me that that young man needs serious emotional and psychological counseling.
Thank you for this public glimpse into what I imagine is a rather private revelation. I appreciate you being open about your “process” in terms of how you view the world and the impact that view has on yourself and others.
This kind of self-evaluation seems to me so valuable but mostly missing right now. You’re doing this in a public space but I’m hoping we all can find the strength to do this both publicly and privately.
I think this kind of (brutal and honest) self-questioning is really the beginning of how we “show love in a way that encourages growth, mental and spiritual wellness and responsibility.”
Thanks again for starting (in my humble opinion) a more honest conversation…
Really we don’t owe any of these people anything. I read something on Monday that said, “People who have never needed a second chance won’t identify with what Chris Brown did.” It seems simple enough, but sometimes people in their own perfect little worlds don’t see when a person is asking for a second chance.
I 19 once, I had a girlfriend who was older than me and had graduated from Clarke Atlanta while I was working full time going to school at night. This young woman could talk circles around my head and frustrate the heck out of me. I understand his anger to some degree. I didn’t go to the level that Chris did, but I can understand how a young man could, being young and inexperienced. From that experience, I can afford him another chance.
I have also needed plenty of second chances. I don’t agree with what took place, but I can’t say that we shouldn’t feel for him. I think we are so down on this young brotha (I won’t call him man yet), but we had no outrage on Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen kept his show and his money. Thats where I get upset. The punishment isn’t equal and people won’t bring up other cases.
Sasha, hold on. You are assigning a little bit too much when it comes to my judgment. I def never bought in to the “only virtuous virgins can be victims” thing. But when I heard “well, girl, you know she’s been seen slapping him around and she’s jealous and mean”, I believed the story of “she grabbed the cell phone and started attacking him as he drove and he fought her off”. I didn’t think her being a victim was impossible, I just didn’t think it was the case. I was still wrong, but I never bought in to the purity, piety, domesticity and submission= woman myth.
@SisterToldja, i’m sorry that I interpreted what you wrote the wrong way.
I watched (and anticipated) that performance. I longed for it to be flawless. These feelings were not the result of wanting to coddle an abuser, but understanding the necessity of [appropriate] forgiveness. His violence was not justified. Never will be. I don’t care what she said or did, if anything, to provoke him. He could have acted otherwise. My point about forgiveness is that he seems to be attempting to make amends. He makes a living as an entertainer. He’s not just gonna go work at the mall. If new information becomes available revealing him to be the spawn of Ike, then I’ll reevaluate my opinion. For a seemingly isolated teenaged incident– I’m not ready to damn him to hell (or worse, waiting tables). He made poor decisions and they were not without consequence. I just think it’s time to move on.
Thanks for that, Sasha.
Keity- This is less about Chris Brown the individual than it is about letting this be an opportunity for us to learn, discuss, explore some of our attitudes and practices as they relate to domestic violence, gender, romance, forgiveness, etc. I am not a celebrity worshiper and I really only write about them at length (beyond the occasional humorous ode to someone I have a crush on or well, Michael Jackson) when there is an social commentary to be made from their actions.
Great post Sister Toldja!!
I witnessed domestic violence firsthand at home. My father beat my mother, and dared me once(age 6) to do something about it. So no, I don’t buy Chris Brown’s redemption dance at all. People need to read the court transcripts (Brown bit Rihanna etc). Redemption begins with an apology and consistent behavior change. The reaction to Brown, represents coddling Black men for terrible behavior. It must end. Black men definitely are capable of behaving with civility and need to be held accountable. Anything less arrests the development of Black men and is detrimental to our communities.
This is spot on.
Women are known (even with psychological research to prove it) to be apologist for bad male behavior while remaining surprisingly hard on other women. I remember in law school reading that OJ’s team of experts were smart enough to fill the jury with women because research shows women tend to be harder on other women who have experienced abuse (“she could have left”, “maybe she was disrespectful to him”, etc.) while being apologists for the male’s behavior (a lot of women said stuff like “well, maybe Rihanna hit him first). OJ’s experts were right in their research. Women tend to be hard on good guys, hard on other women but surprisingly somewhat forgiving of men who are inherently and greatly flawed. Part of the reason why women get hurt a lot by men is because of women’s seemingly inability to have a no tolerance approach to dudes who do shitty things. But what I find ironic is the same chicks screaming for us to forgive Chris Brown probably have had a good dude make a mistake that is no where near the level of what Brown did, but yet those same chicks will not or have not practiced that same forgiveness they want society to bestow on Brown (it’s guess its always easier for women to undermine/minimize some other woman’s pain). How many women will cut a guy off simply because he stood her up on a date, or because he “talked to” or dated another woman, or harbor anger or resentment towards a decent guy who made a small mistake that is nowhere near as horrific as what Brown did? But yet these same women now turn around and say Brown (whose actions were far more reprehensible than the men they hold grudges against in their own lives) needs forgiveness.
Also – people seem to overlook how selfish Brown’s performance was. In a moment that was supposed to celebrate the greatest pop artist of our generation, Brown made it all about him and played a victim role that quite frankly he doesn’t deserve to play. But of course women fall for this type of stuff. What was supposed to be an MJ tribute became an opp for Chris Brown to garner public sympathy (and yes of course it was staged – why on earth would a tribute of MJ need to include a song like “Man in the Mirror”? Chris could have kept it up-tempo but WANTED for emotions to be invoked on his behalf by including that song in the medley.)
You hit the nail on the head with this one. Your analysis of the Chris Brown situation single handedly verbalized exactly what’s wrong with our community in the way we treat black men. They are generally coddled by us (black women) and not made to be responsible adults. This has a huge effect on out community; most notably, their treatment of us. So, our effort to protect them actually comes back to bite us in the a**, e.g. high incarceration rates, low college graduation rates. *sigh*
@CO-High incarceration rates and low graduation rates reflect rightwing state prison idustrial complex policy not efforts to protect Black men. There are more Black men in college than incarcerated. Yet, we know that *some* Black men don’t apply themselves academically, which exacerbates the aforementioned.
“Unconditional love does not mean the death of expectations and criticism.”
Please put this on a baby-tee. I will order one in every color!
I’m not really sure where my feelings lie with the Chris Brown situation, but society loves to hail a slew of bullets at black men. We are the women beaters, drug dealers, evildoers, etc, etc. It doesn’t surprise me to see that black women have gotten on the bandwagon (sandrarose.com). Of course we don’t want to forgive him we want him to be a worthless women beater for the rest of his natural life, he can’t do any good anymore. I don’t excuse what he did, but if Rihanna can move on why the hell can’t we. He probably broke down because he looks in the mirror and it’s a permanent painting of a women beater. “SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE BAD GUY”
CO hit the nail on the head. I was trying to make that point in my previous comments on other subjects, but wasn’t able to articulate it right.
BLACK PEOPLE GIVE ME A BREAK! First of all a MAN BEATING ANOTHER MAN FOR THE SAKE OF IT IS WRONG. A WOMAN BEATING A MAN (YAL TRIP TO) IS WRONG. WOMEN BEAT ON OTHER WOMEN AND THAT IS WRONG. I SAW A GAY COUPLE AT 7 ELEVEN AND SHE DECLARED I WILL “LAY YOU OUT IN THIS PARKING LOT” AND THEY WERE BOTH BLACK WOMEN. THE THING IS THAT YES THERE ARE BAD BLACK MEN BUT THE GOOD ONES YOU DID NOT WANT. YOU LIKE THE SNOOP IMAGE, THE THUG THE ROWDY ETC. LADIES NEVER ADMIT TO WRONG YAL CAUSE HURT AND PAIN TOO. JUST LIKE MEN. FACE IT SORRY IT’S TRUE. BE WOMEN AND SAY DANG I WAS WRONG. A GOOD DUDE CAN APPRECIATE IT. NAH WHAT YOU WANNA DO IS LIKE STEVIE WONDER SAID “BOSS THE BULL AROUND”! EVEN A BLIND MAN CAN SEE IT. SOME OF YAL AIN’T NO SAINTS.
“Unconditional love does not mean the death of expectations and criticism.”
That’s in a nutshell.
I wish to be loved unconditionally by my black woman….but I also wish and hope that she’d call me out on my bullshit and hold me accountable and responsible.
I agree with Ricky; and hubby, a clinical psychiatrist and a Black nationalist has also stated much of the same thing about Black Americans, in particular (I’m of African-American heritage and he is of Cameroonian heritage).
I’ve noticed in my own country, especially amongst the younger generations, a compulsion on the part of Black American women (and oftentimes men, too) to blindly protect or defend Black men in such instances. Even the issues of sexism and misogyny amongst Black Americans falls to the wayside – often viewed as non-existent, unimportant, or lower on our scale of priorities.
Hubby often comments that the Black American approach essentially “castrates” or “emasculates” the man, treating him as a baby in need of defending or treating him as if he is not responsible for his own actions. Essentially, we reduce them to children.
It’s something I’ve not seen in other Black communities (in other countries). I imagine this “castration” is a continuance of what we’ve already seen in American society as a whole.
I’d personally like to know why we feel Black women are not in need of defending. Why, when both genders are in question, it is often the man who is seen as worthy or in need of defending. Are Black women not deserving of protection?
Oops, and on the topic of C. Brown: I’ve never been, nor will I ever be Team Brown. I’ve never seen him as something I’d want for my child as an example, nor as a boy she should admire. The Rhianna incident only solidified this for me.
Well said. I’ve found myself wanting to protect young black men as well but, I’ve also expected them to do better and i would not lower the bar of how I expect them to behave\live their lives. The corner boys are respectful and so am I as I tell them how they are killing their family\neighborhoods and they have choices\options abound. I would not protect Chris Brown no more than I would protect a corner boy.
I find it hard to accept excuses from my teenaged son and will hold him closer to the fire than I would a stranger cause I expect more from him. I have no sympathy for Chris Brown, he made a choice to beat up a woman and has to live with the fall out of that act.
Of course he can and will change but that blemish will remain for as long as he lives. Hopefully, he will do better and use this as a teachable moment for other young men, as we all should.
But at the same time, Chris Brown’s situation brings about the discussion of the difference between someone who HAS hit a woman…and someone who hits women.
I understand and appreciate your opinion and all others however, I can admit to being one of those people who said well she must have did something to make him that upset. However wrong it was I realize it was an excuse for him until I saw the pictures. I’m not saying that no man or woman in that matter should ever use violence to express anger against somebody however I think in this case the media was one-sided. C.B. played the black sheep for a long time and Rihanna went on without a slap on the wrist. In fact, she may have gotten more popular after the incident. He was wrong and I think he he paid for his mistake, but for how long does he have to pay? You don’t tell somebody you made a mistake and this is your punishment and then after they endure the punishment still reprimand them for it over and over again. We all make mistakes but at some point you have to live and let go.