As I promised last week, I will occasionally be giving the floor to up to some of my favorite brothers to let them give some male perspectives on dating, romance and other topics of the day.

The first edition of “And the Brother Said” features the homey Phonte. Most of you know him as a member of Little Brother and Foreign Exchange, but we actually met at a national conference for the Christopher Williams Fan Club, of which he is the Southern regional chair. While we definitely butt heads when it comes to gender politics, Phonte is not only a brilliant musician and performer, but he’s pretty darn funny and smart. And he wrote one of the best remembrances of Michael Jackson I’ve read to date.

Disclaimer: the views expressed below are solely the opinions of Mr. Coleman. They do not reflect the views of myself, my site, my momma’nem, etc.

What is your take on this whole “Black people ain’t getting married/Michele and Barack and Jay and Bey are the only Black people who love each other” conversation going on?

I think its bullshit.  I think people who make those kind of statements are really telling on themselves in terms of what their standards for Black love and status are.  Michele and Barack and Jay and Bey are celebrities and don’t really represent the average person.  There’s plenty of married Black people around, they’re just not in your face all day and they’re not living a lifestyle that most people aspire to.  Everybody knows about Will and Jada, but what about Willie and Lula Mae Johnson that’s been together for 30 years and shit?  What about the assistant manager at your job and her husband that’s been together for 10 years with two kids and shit?  There’s plenty of married Black people around, its just not the fairy tale portrait of marriage that people are looking for.  I view it much in the same way I view the supposed ‘Good Black Man shortage.’  It ain’t no ‘Good Black Man shortage;’ Black women just want the same 12 dudes.

What’s the best relationship advice someone has ever given you?

One jewel that sticks out to me is that marriage is just sharing a life with somebody; nothing more, nothing less.  So with that said, most people in life have their good days, bad days, and halfway days (c) D’Angelo.  That’s just how it goes.  The big misconception is that marriage is this magic wand that automatically makes everything bigger, brighter, and happier and that’s just not the case.  No matter if you’re single or married, life is still gonna be life.  You’re still gonna have your good days, bad days, and halfway days, and as a married person or someone in a relationship, that just means that you’re sharing all of that.  Life ain’t a fairy tale, so why do we expect relationships to be?

What is your favorite thing about Black women? Your least favorite thing?

As Black Americans, there are certain universal customs, rituals, and practices we share that are just fuck*n beautiful.  For the sake of brevity, I will simply refer to these customs and rituals as ‘N*gga Sh*t.’  There ain’t nothin like a Black woman to share N*gga Sh*t with, and that’s my favorite thing about Black women.  There’s no other race that ‘gets’ Black men and Black life on a basic level, I think.  The ‘Lectric Slide, Texas Pete hot sauce on your collards, a Frankie Beverly and Maze show, spending 6 hours at the beauty parlor on a Saturday; I don’t think no other type of woman could fully understand N*gga Sh*t and just how much it means to us.

As for my least favorite thing about Black women, I would say its their overall lack of accountability for their actions.  For instance, you can turn on the TV, pick up any magazine, or go to any website and find articles about the failure of Black men and how we ain’t doin this or not doing that.  But nobody wants to address Black women’s f-ck ups, ESPECIALLY Black women…lol.   And one big flaw I see in Black women is how quick they are to tell their men that they don’t need them, and how dismissive they can be.  But its total bullsh*t, and no one calls em on it. You can’t scream, “I’m an independent woman!” in one breath, but then when little MarQuavius turns 15 and shoots up the whole fuck*n block its, “THESE KIDS NEED DEY DEDDY!!”  The fact is, we need each other.  And I wish Black women would understand that there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you need a man.  And there’s nothing ‘weak’ about being sweet and nurturing to a good man who deserves it.

Is marriage a thing of the past or just a broken institution that can be fixed?

I really think that we are the last generation that is gonna hold marriage in high regard.  I don’t think people view it as a necessity anymore.  I mean, hell, I’m married and me and my wife both agree that if we don’t work out, we ain’t never doin this retarded ass sh*t again….lol.

I think that people will continue to have relationships and form bonds with each other and have children, but I see the number of marriages dropping increasingly over the years.  We’re living in a really self-absorbed society, and I think our general ability to empathize is at an all time-low.  Nobody wants to deal with anybody else’s sh*t; everyone’s focused on themselves.  And plus, anytime you turn a passion into an obligation there’s gonna be problems; that’s the fundamental flaw I find with marriage in its current context.  People hate feeling like they ‘have’ to do anything, that’s just human nature.  The music business is the same way.  Everybody wants to be a rapper until they sign a contract that says ‘You MUST rap.’  So for people who wonder why ‘things change’ after you get married, that’s the reason why.  You turned a passion into an obligation, and that creates new found pressure.  Maybe the remedy is ‘at will’ marriages…ionno…

Who really has the upper hand when it comes to romance: men or women? Why?

Women have the upper hand, unquestionably.  Mainly because a man will always be at the mercy of his sex drive, whereas sex for a lot of women is really a ‘take it or leave it’ kinda thing, or at best just something they use as a bargaining/negotiating tool.  I’ve heard of women going for 2-3 years without sex, and even longer in some cases, and their reasons for doing so range from “I just haven’t found the right person” to “I’m working on myself” to “I just haven’t had the time” and all kinda stuff.  You’ll never hear some shit like that come out of a man’s mouth.  No matter where a man is at in his life, whether he’s ballin or fallin, whether he’s ashy or classy; there’s always that burning, existential question in the back of his mind:  ”Where the hoes at?”

What sort of advice to you have for the sisters out there trying to land a rapper, a ball player, or at least a dude with a car a good brother?

I honestly would tell them to stop ‘looking’ and just focus on being the best person they can be.  A watched pot never boils. That’s pretty much the same philosophy I’ve applied to my music career, and so far I’ve been very blessed and fortunate.  I never really chased ‘the dream’ or hopped on trends to make myself more palatable to any group of people; I just made the best records I could make, did what was in my heart, and let the game come to me.

Why do you think someone as awesome as Sister Toldja is single?

Mind you, we’ve met in real life so I’ve actually seen you laugh and joke and shit, but if I had to form an opinion of you solely based on your blog, I’d think you hated brothers and were borderline lesbian.   Plus, I think the ‘feminist’ tag throws alot of brothers off.  Whenever I hear a woman call herself a feminist I just think to myself, “Oh hell…” lol. Sounds f*cked up, but I’m just keepin it funky.  I mean, I believe in equality for women and all that, but I’m still very traditional in my belief that a woman wants to be led by a man who’s skilled and capable of leading.  People talk that feminist/womanist/N*ggaHater-ist shit all day, but I still believe that nothing puts a woman more at ease than a strong, devoted man saying, “Baby, calm down and chill the f*ck out.  I got this.”

But eventually you’ll come across a real live brother that will make you happy and tame the insurmountable shrew that is Sister Toldja….lol.  I’m certain of it.  You’re witty, passionate, and you really do have a good heart.  (And you light-skinned.  Light skin is like Real Live N*gga kryptonite.)

Any last words?

Much love to everybody who’s supported me over the years, and y’all can stay in touch with me at www.theforeignexchangemusic.com.  And much love to my girl Sister Toldja for opening up her blog and letting me fire off a few shots from behind enemy lines….  I know I give you a lot of sh*t, but just know that its all done with love, with L-O-V-E (c) The Kaing

Well, there you have it! And you see why I tossed the disclaimer up, right? Always good to have a friendly formidable foe to see where the other side is firing from. In all seriousness, while certainly disagree with a few of Tay’s points, I feel him on others. And at the end of the day, if we can’t bring some humor in to these convos, we are seriously going to lose our minds. I still might slap the sh*t out of him for calling me a “shrew” though…

PS: If you are in New York, it’s going DOWN tommorrow at Providence! Modern Day Matchmaker LIVE! If you can’t get a ticket to the whole evening, after-party admission is less than $10 if you use the “SISTERTOLDJA” discount code. Come on down!  If you aren’t in NYC/able to come, I will be live streaming the event on the site! Come back tomorrow AM for instructions on how to watch!