**Before I exhale all over this page, final reminder: TOMORROW is Happy Black Girl Day number 3! Blog about it, Tweet about it, call your friends and tell them something good! It’s all Happy Black Girl EVERYTHING for 24 hours! Don’t forget!**
We are always reminded that for all the debate over interracial dating, that while MORE brothers marry out than sisters, it’s still not that many who do it. And since Michelle Obama, Beyonce and that one old lady down the block who don’t talk to her husband no way are the only three Black wives left in Negronia, can the the Black male marriage statistics be that much better than the women’s? Let’s see….
While the magic number is just under 42% for adult Black women, a whopping 43.3% of Black men are married.
43.3! WHERES OBAMA? 911 EMERGENCY! ARE YOU THERE, GOD? ITS ME, TOLDJA! BLACK MEN ARE IN A MARRIAGE CRISIS! CALL STEVE HARVEY! CALL TD JAKES! CALL NIGHTLINE! CALL DATELINE! CALL LOVELINE! CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS! WHAT IS WE GON’ DO?
Riddle me this, Batman: how in the possible world did this become a story of ‘the crisis of the unmarried Black woman’ if the statistics are so close for both genders?
I have a pretty good clue. The players in the mainstream media (the architects of this crisis reporting; we Black folks have merely been beneficiaries, such as Steve Harvey or reactionaries, such as myself) would not have ran with “the crisis of the unmarried Black man” as a story. They would NEVER consider highlighting the number of marriageable Black men and then discussion the factors keeping them from the altar that are NOT jail, death, lack of education, etc. Black men would never be treated with such dignity by these news outlets; these same reporters talk about your President like he’s a Pullman Porter.
The most logical, reasonable angle would have been ‘the crisis of the Black nuclear familiy’, right? And the MSM could have taken that story on and continued to roll with the Black deficiency narrative that they need and love so much. Why not this instead of the tragic single Black woman foolishness? Well, because this sounds a little bit too much like it’s encouraging Black unity and Black family building. Why encourage that when you can sensationalize Black women and make us look like super bitches, emasculating and driving the Black man further and further away each day with our fancy degrees and picky nature?
Furthermore, by taking Black men from the margin to the center of this conversation would have forced these media outlets to adress the big question of why there are 1.8 million more Black women than men. Who wants to do that? Let’s start a colored gender war instead and watch them Negroes fight! The media is gonna do what the media is gonna do. But to interpolate Chris Rock’s famous quip, it’s not the media that I look to go on date with on Friday night. It’s not the media that I plan to stand next to in the Jet Magazine wedding section somewhere around 2015 (I don’t think “The bride is a graduate of Howard University” and “the groom is owned by Rupret Murdoch’s old racist self” has a nice ring to it).
I don’t love the media. I love Black men. But I can’t say I love how some of them have reacted to these single Black woman stories. We can put Hill, Steve and Jimi to the side for today; they have books to sell, I get that (and I will, again, say bless Hill and his intentions). The commentary from lesser known Black male writers and blog readers has been disheartening to say the least. So many of them are so happy to jump on this anti-Black woman train and beat us over the head with “You need to smile more”, “You need to stop focusing so much on a career and more on being mothers and wives”,“You should be more focused on a career and worry less about getting a man”, “Date men of other races, we never asked you to be loyal”. And on. And on. And on. But ask them about how Black men have factored into the decline in Black marriage and get prepared for an onslaught of righteous indignation. The irony: by jumping right in and deriding us for having expectations says a whole lot about how highly some of these brothers DON’T think of themselves.
Writer and funny girl Jessica Danielle has asked this question a few times and I have yet to hear a great answer: why is it that while Black women have used these new media outlets as the opportunity to be self-reflective and discuss Black female issues, while our brothers seem more willing to write over and over again about what’s wrong with Black women or tell us how we can be good enough for them? I’m certainly not discounting the necessity of guy advice for women on dating men; girlfriends often give the worst “wisdom” to other women about what men want or need. But why does it seem that most online writings about the challenges facing Black love seem to have to do with what Black women are doing wrong? And while sisters are pushing back at Nightline, why aren’t we asking a little more from the brothers we interact with on a regular basis? Why aren’t we asking Black men to confront their demons, their issues and the things they have done that have contributed to the decline in Black love.
The crisis is that of both parties. There’s nearly 2 million less Black men here to discuss it and that is DEFINITELY a crisis for all of us. I’d like to vow to never write about this again (the media fiasco, not the very real issue), but I can’t say that. You come for me, I’m blasting back. However, I will try real hard to let this side of the story go for a while. I was thinking my next move would be to ask Wanda Sikes to pen “What These Sistas Want From A Brotha: Why Black Men Can’t Find Good Black Women“, but I can’t get a hold of her agent. In the meantime, I’m issuing an edict for the male bloggers and blog readers, the Twitter gurus, the barbershop philosophers, the preachers, etc, etc…it’s something I’ma need for y’all to understand RIGHT NOW:
Don’t let Dateline, the Washington Post or some zoot suit wearing ‘bamma fool you. Black men have not, have not, have NOT some how suprassed Black women in quality. Thus, you are not qualified to enter the ‘fixing of Black women’ business. Don’t think for a second that because you have more options than we do (and I’m looking my bougie buppie boys straight in the eyes when I say this, because while you may be my favorites, Lord knows it doesn’t take much to start you guys high horsing) that you need to be writing or preaching about what Black women are doing wrong. Are you a catch because you’re a catch, or a catch because of the crisis? Are YOUR expectations reasonable or are you using the current state of affairs as an excuse to demand something you might not be worthy of if all things were equal? Holler at that man in the mirror for a second. And if he’s got his game together, then maybe he can talk to some of his homeboys. Introspection: it’s not only for single Black women.
I honestly think that some of these issues Black women/men are experiencing are quite similar to the challenges couples in the Indian, Chinese, and other ethnic communities are facing. Ask them, and they’ll tell you about the feedback going around about dating outside of their race. It’s the same sort of rhetoric. Sure the dynamic of the number of men incarcerated is not the same, but nevertheless the challenges are still there with regard to dating White.
That said, I wish Black women and men would stop asking the question, why do Black men marry outside of their race when there are plenty of available Black women. I think a better question to ask is, am I healthy emotionally, spiritually and mentally, and if so, do I deserve a relationship? Because there are a lot of unstable people in the Black community making a decision to date within their race based on being of the same race. However, I don’t think some of those individuals should be in ANY sort of relationship AT ALL.
Who are you? What are your values? What are your politics? And, are they in line with the person you’re dating and plan to be with long-term? To be honest, I think if Black men and women asked themselves those questions and worked on personal growth, we might be able to get past some of these problems. It’s called having a dialogue. But no, instead everyone walks around making silly statements based on erroneous statistics in the media.
I think that I’d rather see an all-around healthy Black woman/man dating an all-around healthy Asian, Caucasian, Middle Eastern, etc. man/woman than dating a Black man/woman who has done absolutely no personal growth.
In other words, stop judging or worrying about the interracial couple you know nothing about walking down the street. You don’t know anything about their relationship or under what circumstances they’re together.
Mind your business! Fix yourself, and you can begin to slowly fix your community! Get your life together instead of worrying about someone else’s!
@Blkbond
This is becoming a kind of chicken or the egg contest, which is not my intent.
Suffice it to say that sexism is playing a part in the type and amount of relationship advice given to women, although there is a, smaller, market for men which includes such works as ‘The Pick Up Artist’ by Mystery
or the Black Man’s Guide to Dating by Derrick Watkins.
I’m trying to understand your viewpoint. Your previous posts contained questions about who is audience, while mentioning anecdotes about how you could not really relate because you knew no one who fit the prototypes mentioned in these type of articles.
Yet in your last post, you are asking questions which seem as if you already assume to know the answer. The knowledge seemingly based upon the women who you have known personally. And then you assumed that the same advice that you would give to your friends/colleagues should be given to women in general.
I think this is a problem for the relationship advice we’re given in general. Its based upon anecdotal evidence, than stretched to address everyone.
But at this point, I would say we’ve officially gotten off track. Because this post, Sista Toldja, began because she wanted to hear about the male behaviors in relations/to improve relationship. And here we are discussing ways that women can improve their “destinies”.
But in this framework, which is about how to increase Black marriages, your future/possible partner’s actions will very much affect your fate, regardless of whether you choose to be happy about it or not.
And frankly, the over-emphasis on why aren’t women married, has blinded us to finding out exactly what black men think about marriage as black men are as single really as black women according to this blog post.
Please don’t read these questions as an accusation, or a way to win an argument. I genuinely would like to know if you are willing to share. Do you value marriage? Is it something you want for yourself? Are your friends married? Do they want to be married? Why do you think they are or are not married?
Blk Bond-If you are asking the same questions for over a year and not satisfied with the answers, maybe it’s not the people answering with the issue. As an aside, I am also confused at how being satisfied with myself and wanting to be married, but not settle, are contradictory ideas. The last two comments you made smack with contempt and disillusion for and with Black women. The theme of today’s post was dismantilng the notion of inherent Black female deficiency (as it relates to marriage stats) and asking Black men to be more self reflective. You decided to instead pile on a bunch of complaints about Black women. Ponder that.
ThatGuy-I see you also ignored the “call for Black men to be self reflective” and decided to complain about Black women. Duly noted.
martimar- “I think that I’d rather see an all-around healthy Black woman/man dating an all-around healthy Asian, Caucasian, Middle Eastern, etc. man/woman than dating a Black man/woman who has done absolutely no personal growth.”
Why would these two people be competing? Why is the assumption that there is some lack of Black people who are healthy and worthy of a relationship or that the Black person in the IR coupling is healthy? The suggestion of a lack of healthy Black men or women to date is troubling and not, IMO, the way to justify an IR relationship.
I agree with @Moneypoet because as a 25-year-old woman, I get tons of men who assume I’m older and want to pursue real relationships with me. They are professionals who (mostly) don’t have children or have at most 2 children from a previous marriage. I, personally, cannot date these men (I’ve tried) simply because of the experience difference. They have so many experiences that I cannot relate to based solely on life experience.
@Martimar
You are obviously in, or favor IR relationships. And that’s cool if that’s your choice. But once again, you are blaming black women. Ever since I was in HS I’ve been burned by Blk men who have cheated on me, misled me, or whatever for the sluttiest, trashiest, trailerest of white women. (I was bitter for the longest!) And while I examine the men, I also examine myself. But to just make up an excuse to date interracially is just a cop out for your insecurities. Blk men who do the IR thing are notorious for making excuses for that.
Thank you Toldja for examining this issue as a Blk woman to Blk PEOPLE. Not blk women. Not blk men. But as a race, we are in serious delusion. In the words of one of my favorite groups, Goodie Mob, “Black people you better wake up and fight! Fight to get your spirit and your mind back! Cuz individuals and as a people we are at war…but dont even know what we’re fighting for (but we do know who we are against – each other)”
Blk Bond- I don’t have the heart to muddle through the rest of that recapping of comments you already made and your bizzare sense of entitlement (“I’m here, tell me what I want to hear”)
But this: “I don’t understand the need to constantly mention men when speaking about the self-perception, value, and beliefs that women have for themselves.”
Show me where I declared that this site or even this post is dedicated to those things. You seem to assume that because I’m a woman that uplifting women and women only is supposed to be the goal of my work. Incorrect.
I dont feel compelled to answer your questions, as you didn’t feel compelled to answer mine. Furthermore, I feel like you just enjoy arguing and don’t really want much else from this than to spar.
Justme, I’m glad you agree. I too, see these scenarios where Educated brothers are seeking women with similar educational backgrounds.
I’ve been married for 14 years but count many single women and some single men (most of my male friends are married) among my friends. I have suggested that my single male friends-who are divorced, date single women. They’ve told me that it just isn’t that simple, because some of those women don’t have the experience of marriage.
Like you said, generally speaking, many of those women, though educated, haven’t had the life experience of the brothers-and that creates an issue for both sides.
BlkBond-Other men (and women)came and engaged respectfully. You have not. This has not hardly been a female pow-wow, but your inability to engage on the level in which you THINK you are doing seems to be preventing you from actually processing anything you are reading. Your fake moral/intellectual high road act has gone very quickly tired and seems more like a plea for attention than anything else. Perhaps someone else will give you some. I’m done.
BlkBond- “Inherent female deficiency & Black male self-reflection are not synonymous (do you think they are?). I was/am trying to understand why male self-reflection was even discussed (i.e. the BM marriage stat, BM’s factor in the decline of the marriage, etc.)”
Also, I don’t recap or repackage my writing for folks who are unable to read it. No one else seemed to find anything puzzling about the structure or syntax of this article. The issue hear seems to be between you and either your reading comprehension or your refusal to step back from Black women blaming.
@Sister Toldja
ThatGuy-I see you also ignored the “call for Black men to be self reflective” and decided to complain about Black women. Duly noted.
I did not.. I said in so many words, that men don’t see a need to discuss the topic because it won’t change the situation, and i supported that. I also started the dialog stating that many men dont think the #’s are that much of an issue.. how is 50% (estimated) and as another brother said probably higher for educated men an epidemic, it’s not for us, its just an epidemic to/for women. The average guy see’s NO ISSUE with the current landscape, thus we aint talking about it. Women like to talk for the sake of talking, men are quite the opposite, but I’m sure you knew that.
Matter of factly: Men don’t see landscape/marriage rate as an issue, thus we aren’t making waves about it. Even if it was an issue, talking, blogging, dialoging about it wouldn’t change it anyway, because people rarely change, and even if you made them, they’d resent you for it. When God pulled eve from the rib of adam, adam had no choice/discussion in the matter, he had to learn to live with her, and we’ve been following the model every since. Happy wife = happy life.. most time happy wife = provision and protection so men focus on obtaining those at varying degrees, then we find we we want to share it with, if anyone.
~fin
promoting black unity does not fit in the “post racial” agenda – whatever agenda that may be. It’s truly sad that encouraging further unity and accountability in the promotion of black families is treated as if it is promotion of racist, anti-white, “black supremacist” ideas. Great post J! you rock
Excellent post and long overdue!!! I look forward to the Newsweek/Time issue regarding this, but I fear from just reading BlkBond’s and ThatGuy’s posts, it will be a thin issue….
of course, I’ve only seen a few of the posts, and not all 72, so…..
ok, after going back to reading older comments, I must say ThatGuy’s very first post on this topic, your 2nd paragraph in that post was TOTALLY ON POINT!!!!
goin’ back to reading older posts….
ok, KingofHades and Peyso’s comments were also on point, moreso because they actually turned the mirror to themselves and didn’t rip on BW, as that is a tired tactic…..
back to readin’….
Right or wrong don’t you think this: “Riddle me this, Batman: how in the possible world did this become a story of ‘the crisis of the unmarried Black woman’ if the statistics are so close for both genders?” has everything to do with black men being valued, even if only for their bodies and Black women not?
I would say that on the mean, even if a black man isn’t getting married, there are women out there certainly looking to date him. Black women by perception seem to be much more interested in starting families but it doesn’t seem as if they are simply choosing not to.
This was the best article EVER!!! Thank you so much for letting us know about the male marriage statistics. My self-esteem just did a jump. You are right on about why the media jumped on this and about Black men feeling they are all that because of it, and that the problem is all with the women. GREAT WRITING!!!
Boy I sure do love articles with broad sweeping generalizations about relationships and entire genders and races.
First, you’re not flyer than my wife (that woman is still bad as hell at 40), and my crew got more swagger than you got fresh.
Let me be real, you’re being tooled by the same MSM you claim to hate.
Your tirade about black men is unwarranted. That stat is what it is. It’s not a matter of black men looking in the mirror. Relationships require effort from both parties involved. Black men and women need to look in the mirror together.
Putting it bluntly, a man wants to be a man– especially a black man. MSM and society itself, attempts to relegate black men to a status less than that of other men of other races.
Why would I date a black woman, or any other woman for that matter, who does the same thing? I deal with that every day on my job. I’ll be damned if I’m going to come home to that.
Lastly, your bio says you’re a barfly. When’s the last time a black man said, “Let me go to a bar and find a wife.”
I’m 40, the answer is never. It’s you who needs to look in the mirror. You’re using this trumped up issue, to vent your internal negative feelings towards black men. I don’t know where those feelings come from, but don’t project them on me and other black men. Project them on the man that you’re really angry with.
You’ll be happier, and probably have more success in your relationships with black men.
One Black Man- Yawn. It’s apparent that you don’t read the site and didn’t read the article. Next.
That’s good stuff. BTW LOVED*LOVED*LOVED your Essence article (March 2010). You write with an annoyed maturity that is great to read. You pulled out a full-set of cold steel Spartan knives; but you only used a few of them! This article goes in the same direction as previous musings, but takes a different exit-ramp.
Get to where it is…and (like Jada) you know where I’m takin’ it. This is true assimilation, when black people take on white fear and become frightened of each.
Those stats tell the whole story.
You said it yourself, but stopped short of exploration. Anecdotally, you wrote about a black man who dismissed black women with imagined flaws, but married a white woman and now lives in wedded bliss. I have a similar story in reverse. A girlfriend (sorry, x-friend) who made black men walk a tight rope, but married a drug using white guy. DSBS??!!
Waiting for Partie Deux!
Maybe it’s he’d to find a decent man because they’re alredy married. Like rickhouchins. WordPress. Com. He’s been cheating for years.
thanks for this…will link!
as i’ve said to others: so glad to hear so many sistas speaking up on this, and from so many different angles.
peace
I just had an opportunity to read this. You are correct on many levels. The MSM in recent years has done a lot of negative things to both Black Men and Women. I think that BOTH of us fall into letting this play into our psyche (s.p.) and we run with it.
One thing I want to bring up is this, back in the early to mid- 90′s Montel Williams wore a pin with the number 75 on it. That pin represented the opposite of what the MSM portrayed. 75% of all Black men are not dead by 25. 75% of all Black men are not in jail. 75% of all Black men are law abiding and doing what they need to do to live in society. You know, I think somewhere along the line BOTH black men and women stopped representing themselves in a positive manner. Once that happened WE began blaming each other.
If BOTH Black men and women for their positives and not BLAMING EACH OTHER for what MSM is saying whats wrong, then we would be in a better place. When you really sit down and examine things, WE are really just defending our positions. NEITHER of US want to be in the wrong so WE place blame. The issue is BLACK MEN and BLACK WOMEN. WE BOTH need to step it up if we are going to pull out of this mess.
theres a lot of posts here and I dont have time to read all of them; however, I have a feeling what Im about to say has probably not been said yet, so Ill get to the point……
first off, let me do some debunking, challengine and disputing:
“The most logical, reasonable angle would have been ‘the crisis of the Black nuclear familiy’, right?”
you have a point, but lets not pretend that numerous BW didnt embrace second wave radical feminism, which however you slice it and shine a light on it was a highly anti family (and anti man) philosophy (do alice walker and michele wallace ring a bell?)……remember phrases like marriage is slavery, women need men like fish need a bicycle and numerous other phrases and philosophies that basically suggest that all men are violoent insensitive brutes and that raising kids is slavery….
“Why encourage that when you can sensationalize Black women and make us look like super bitches, emasculating and driving the Black man further and further away each day with our fancy degrees and picky nature?”
black women created that image for themselves in the black community long before the media started discussing this……..and I hate to be the bearer of bad news when I say:
- most black men dont give a flying f&*k about how educated you are…..@ most its an enhancer
- most BW I meet (and ive met/meet a LOT of BW over the years) are not picky based on high moral standards, theyre criteria is based on highly superficial bulls&&&…..moving on….
“Let’s start a colored gender war instead and watch them Negroes fight!”
the gender war in black america is nothing new…….moving on…
But why does it seem that most online writings about the challenges facing Black love seem to have to do with what Black women are doing wrong?
im guessing its because for years BW have been using numerous media outlets (ie Oprah, Essence magazine, numerous Terry McMillan and tyler Perry books/movies) to broadcast to every body and everybody thats willing to listen how terrible Black men are…..thats right, BW not only act like BM are o so very bad and BW are o so very good and innocent, but theyve been screaming from a rooftop since the 80s how BM are so terrible…….they were doing it long before rappers started using the B word in rap lyrics….it was only a matter of time before BM started striking back….
But ask them about how Black men have factored into the decline in Black marriage and get prepared for an onslaught of righteous indignation.
this makes no sense…….all thats been discussed for the last 30 years is how everything gone wrong in black marriages is the black mans fault…when someone makes even a hint that the BM didnt act alone in creating this current quagmire, all of a sudden its “BLACK WOMEN ARE UNDER ATTACK!!” comical…
“They would NEVER consider highlighting the number of marriageable Black men and then discussion the factors keeping them from the altar that are NOT jail, death, lack of education, etc.”
I as a black man came up with some theories……I made some YT videos explaining them….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ed88lRIJeQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyo7ZRGWesw&feature=related
“And while sisters are pushing back at Nightline, why aren’t we asking a little more from the brothers we interact with on a regular basis? Why aren’t we asking Black men to confront their demons, their issues and the things they have done that have contributed to the decline in Black love.”
How is there going to be any dialogue when in many places throughout the US, a black man greeting a BW in public is the equivalent to petting an angry junkyard dog?
“The crisis is that of both parties.”
yet by the way you write it, it seems like the BM should take most of the blame…..not like I havent seen this before….
“There’s nearly 2 million less Black men here to discuss it and that is DEFINITELY a crisis for all of us”
on a whole, theres more women on this planet than men….moving on….
“Don’t let Dateline, the Washington Post or some zoot suit wearing ‘bamma fool you. Black men have not, have not, have NOT some how suprassed Black women in quality. Thus, you are not qualified to enter the ‘fixing of Black women’ business. ”
and as you say this……70% of BW are single as opposed to 60% of BM…….so whos qualified to fix BW? most BW wont look in the mirror and sincerely own to their own f*ckups – and theres a lot of f*ckups to go around (so its quite comical when yall ask us to “look in the mirror”)
I apologize for going so long, but there was a lot to answer to in your blog entry……..
Im going to say this in closing……..I can sit here all day and list the whats, whys and hows of BW being single and how BW alienate BM for so many years which kills any incentive he may have had to marry a BW and such……but I predict Ill probably just get the typical “o were all not like that” “maybe theres something wrong with YOU” and numerous other cheap and convenient cop-outs BW like to use once someone tries to hold a mirror to their faces. And even with evidence in HD, BW have their ultimate defense lawyer, Michael Eric Dyson, to make up whichever politically correct excuses that cause BW to continue to be held exempt.
The BM most BW complain about are the same ones that most BW want cuz like I said before, most BW’s criteria in man selection is based on superficial sh*t (being thugged out, being mr moneybags, being a baller, a pro athlete, a rapper/r&B singer) and ironically, these are the same BM that black america on a whole celebrates most of the time anyway…..the BM who actually wanna do right by BW and do progressive, positive things for black people are the same ones that most of black america (see its not just the women) spit on. Why would the wrong doers listen to the ones trying to do it right when the wrong doers are the ones getting all the women and accolades in the community?
so I have a series of questions for you to ponder….
- say what you want, but what will your reaction be if next time the stats come out, 75-80% of BW are single?
- what do you say to the black men who are outcasts in the black community and dont fit the superficial preferences many BW have (many of these guys are not bad looking mind you)? What incentives should these BM (who ironically were the most ardent fans and admirers of BW) have to try and date, let alone marry BW whove made it highly clear to them that they are not on their list of choices for a boyfriend/husband?
- I saw your article on Reggie Bush in essence a few months back…..can you honestly tell me that you wouldve been outraged if reggie bush was a welder or a UPS worker working in obscurity? Would you have cared if many other BW laughed @ him b/c he wasnt famous? you said yourself you prefer the bougie buppie types anyhow….
Ms. Toldja,
Wanted to quickly say I like the new(er) photo of you down here at the bottom of the page. Liking the bad purple shoes, kickin’ ‘em hard!
“Flier than your girlfriend”? Awwww, you already KNOW the answer on that one, lol, I got none!
(If this seems totally out of context from the discussion going on above …
It is. On purpose.
Too much ugly/nasty/mean-spiritedness for me going on in this.
I keep thinking of an old Elvis Costello song -you can Wikipedia him, lol –
“What’s so Funny about Peace, Love and Understanding”)
(And, NO, that’s not a “post-racial” comment at all. Just personal feelings)
AND, AND, you never, ever followed up on what Dad did in Chicago; about the community meeting on violence.
Sorry for reading this late. But unfortunately black females are in a very uncompromising position. Males, whether you want to admit it or not, are in control of the commitment in a relationship. This parallels with females being in control of the sex within the relationship. It is gennerally assumed that women want to be in a relationship. Just like men want sex. Since we are in control of actually being in a relationship we can choose to be in one anytime we want to while the same it is not so for females. Because you are not getting a commitment from us, it is being implied that you are doing something wrong when we are just taking advantage of statistics. This is my little theory anyway, like the post.
women are seen as more guilty in this country.
martimar says: Because there are a lot of unstable people in the Black community making a decision to date within their race based on being of the same race. However, I don’t think some of those individuals should be in ANY sort of relationship AT ALL.
I love that comment. I stopped dating for about two years because I met an unstable black man. I finally met someone who like me was constantly picked on about the way we spoke and acted, and dressed. Constantly saying that we werent pround to be black because didnt speak a certain way, or eat certain things.
I’m so tired of the men crapping on us. I could care less about the media it’s about the men who play along and bash us when they aren’t perfect either. I was reading Slim Thugs article on black women saying that we need to get over the fact that there aren’t as many successful black men and bow down and stop giving men such a hard time.
SOrry that these men feel the need to sit around and have somebody take care of them like their mother, and blame their lack of ambition on not having a father around just like a lot of us. Someone said this to me, and it made sense. I actually met a guy who was hendered in life blaming it on the way he grew up and what not. I’m in the same freaking boat…so grow a pair and get over it.
I would love it if they shined a little bit of light on the married couples. There is nothing but negative stories about us black woman, and giving all the black men praise for being able to move on to either races. Why do we have to go and date outside our race because they are? I’m so sick of the state that they are forcing us into. If I want to hold out for a decent black man then I will. I did and i got a great man who really is a gem. So ladies don’t listen! There is hope.
I do think bw need to clean up their act. They have major issues with a lack of being as a woman. They should embrace traditional values and stop looking and acting so slutty all the time. I can’t go anywhere without seeing all the black women dressed scantily in tight cheap clothes and always showing skin. Why can’t they cover up and work on developing their inner qualities – which are the ones that attract and keep a relationship? They also need to get some class and grace and start having some values that breed success. The loosenes needs to stop.
OMG you are so right! I’m so sick of the media attacking black woman like they do. I mean, what are they getting out of this
This educated, professional Black man wants to marry a Black woman period!! There’s nothing like a Black woman.
While the magic number is just under 42% for adult Black women, a whopping 43.3% of Black men are married. With clarity and work, we can increase both numbers.
Thank you for posting actual stats.
The recent spate MSM articles of marriage rates for single Black women is racist misogny. Many of us took the bait, numbers don’t lie. Let’s have a constructive dialogue about Black Love and marriage.
@GhostWriter-some of your commentary is rife with misogny. Referring to Black women as angry dogs for instance.
@Sister Toldja. Black men need self reflection period. I haven’t seen spaces on the internet or anywhere else for that matter. I commend Black women for creating spaces for self reflections and to discuss Black women issues.
Expectations and standards are imperatives for dating, stable relationships and stable families. Both parties are lacking in that category. Yet, the bar needs to raised for Black men. The current bar is so low, clear patriarchy, yet conditioning continues the cycle.
We all make choices, but- what makes some professional Black women date, and have children by thugs and men with low ambition consistently without reservation, and receive no criticism from other Black women? I criticize my both parties for these choices.
Professional Black men aren’t exempt here either.
@simontemplar
Most of the commentary here is rife with misandry and a terminal case of entitlement……your point?
Furthermore, the junkyard dog reference is to symbolize the o so infamous bad attitude that many BW carry with them……
The Ghost- Two posts and you havent said a single thing other than “I feel inadequate and I don’t know any other way to express it other than to bash Black women.” Yawn.
thank you for your point of view. yu make great points – particularly looking at the absent men and the fact that our men shud be introspective because the idea to attack black women, is purely a successful distraction from exposing the deliberate sabotage of the black family. this is when i loose most black women, the men think that the end of racism is post Obama or pre hip hop with white girls in the video- but when the women think this also it boggles me.
marriage is tough in this TIME period! white black . but if yu r black the institution is even more rejected.
many black women and men do not look at the attacks on the black family! they appear to be in denial about the competition that exist btw. the races, and we are the only ones not competing, we invite everyone into our strategy meetings (if i see another black womans group that welcomes all women of color- i will just scream) but we are not invited to theirs. i must go feed my newborn, so i apologize for not completing my statements but- we as black men n women must have a mission of developing the black race , not just flossin’ or tryn’ to luk like second rate white girls and duplicate white boy style. they used to take cues from us, now they only covet our ideas for capital- pardon me , not thought out completelyu gotta go.
natasha
umm…yup!
“The Ghost- Two posts and you havent said a single thing other than “I feel inadequate and I don’t know any other way to express it other than to bash Black women.” Yawn.”
I was just bored and decided to roll through here and lo and behold what do I see? sister Toldja actually responded to me? And I thought u were just ignoring my posts……
okay all sarcasm aside………..to anyone reading this, this is a textbook example of what i was talking about when I said the minute you ask most BW the hard questions and ask them to take a look @ themselves, you get nothing but deflections, back pedaling, and shaming tactics in the form of ad-hominem attacks……..I even got a BM defense lawyer to swoop in on her behalf, calling me a misogynist just cuz I dared to flash the mirror and ask the hard questions that, as this dialogue has shown, many BW are to chickens&^% to answer to…..
she doesnt address the numerous detailed points I gave. I quote her article damn near line for line, respond to those quotes and the best she can do in response is say “im bashing BW to cover up my own inadequacies”.
*rolls eyes*
O come on sis…..u seem smart (unless im giving you too much credit)……..ad hominem attacks? YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!
And this here folks, is why these type of dialogues always lead to stalemates, nothing gets solved, and the foolishness continues…..you can make 20 TV specials and the same deflection and ducking of the hard questions will continue……but I and lots of other brothers (many BW like to brand us ‘weak insecure BM who hate BW”) have wised up to this and realized that trying to solve this problem is a lot more trouble than its really worth. Life’s too short for this………its why we either abandon the game to focus on ourselves and our success (contrary to popular belief, a good number of us finish HS and theres more of us working and going to college than sittin in jail cells), date the few BW who do get it (you now, the ones most likely to be in the 30% of BW married bracket) or we just hop the fence and date those dreaded non BW that many BW seem to be so jealous of…….
Thanks for this – I am genuinely saddened yet obsessed (like watching a train wreck) with this national pastime of bashing black women. Seems most intense since Ms. O came on the scene. Let’s just remember that while love from another is important, it cannot and should not exceed the love we should have for ourselves.
Peace.