‘Member yesterday I said I was gonna do a part 2 on The Denzel Principle? Yeah, nevermind. I think I’ve offered enough information for folks to make their own informed decision and, honestly, reading that book feels like getting punched in the stomach. I can’t open it again. When I revisited the part when dude described the Essence Magazine “Take Back The Music” campaign an opportunity for Black women to blame Black men for all the problems in the community, I decided I was done discussing the book on this site. But with brother Izreal in mind, I have some other thoughts to share.
I had a great conversation with my mother this morning after she informed that she had not only checked out this post but saw my conversation with the author on Twitter. (Mom, anything you saw on Twitter that may have been offensive…um…my cousin wrote it. She’s in beauty school.) Mama Toldja, of course being wiser than I, made some really great observations about Mr. Izreal. She said “This man sounds heartbroken. And heartbroken people don’t always know what to do with that.” And I’m inclined to agree. Say it with me class: hurt people HURT people!
Now, acknowledging that doesn’t give anyone the right to be a misogynist or misandrist. When your hurt and your inability to deal with it becomes a threat to others, it’s easy to lose sympathy. When broken people lash out at others, it’s so easy to continue a cycle of pain. While most of the reviews and comments I’ve read surrounding the book I reviewed yesterday seemed to echo my own thoughts, there were brothers saying “Hey, way to tell these sisters about themselves” and women saying “You might be on to something.” As female and male writers have done in the past, Izreal uses his personal tragedies to fuel this obscene attack on the opposite sex. And because the sexism in our community is so great and because we are so hurt for answers, people will listen to damn near everything. Remember this:
Crazy misogynist lunacy: womens can do it too
If I look back at some of my writing from 5 years ago, I think I could have ended up one of those people who just tried to beat Black men over the head with my rage because I was hurt. And it’s not even that I’ve had such bad personal relationships; for the most part, I’ve dated some good guys. But I’ve had enough experiences and done enough reading/observation about the misogyny in our community to feel very confident in stating that we have a gender problem. Rather, we are dealing with a global problem that has particularly damning effects on our community. I didn’t always know how to express these things without attacking men. But I feel I’ve worked through MY pain in a way that allows me to speak lovingly and truthfully. Ain’t nothing I’m saying law, but it’s from the heart and it’s respectfully submitted.
It is important that we cope with heartbreak. We can’t allow it to destroy us, nor embolden us to destroy others. I have seen brilliant people brought down by their inability to reconcile the loss of a loved one, career failings, romantic discord, the state of race relations…people process things in very different ways and those around them don’t always see how badly it may be hurting. Or what kind of psychological damage may be going down.
I can’t take people who think the best way to combat pain is to be perpetually happy or to smile in the face of a storm. To be truly human is to allow for a full range of emotions. And to the best of our ability, we must take responsibility for how we process those emotions. Jimi Izreal may want to tell you that “bitches” made him crazy or bitter, but it looks to me like women made him hurt and he let that manifest into something dangerous.
R. Kelly took a break from trolling the schoolyard to pen a tune about how “one man can make one woman hate all men”, but it has been my observation that men seem a bit more likely to react so harshly to heartbreak. Women can lose it pretty easy too, but I think fellas are more likely to take one terrible experience and let it make them a ‘lifelong playa’. Ladies, we just get knocked down, get back up and let someone else do the same stuff. Again and again. We don’t give up on love so easily. But I think we have enough examples of both genders allowing heartbreak or disappointment in love be the impetus for us to go ALL TYPES OF CRAZY.
We need to own our pain. Identify it, process it and find ways to move on. Being emotional or raw doesn’t make you a ‘crazy bitch’. Writing a book about how Black women, Essence Magazine, Oprah Winfrey and feminism are to blame for your unhappiness? That might make you a crazy bitch. The challenge of the writers/thinkers (for better or worse, social media has allowed all of us to take on that title and the ability to dicourse amongst broad audiences) of today is to figure out how we can express and discuss pain without attacking one another. How DO men and women (or gays and straights or Whites and POCs or…) open a space to vent and communicate and heal? Well, that’s something I’m working on myself and I’d love your suggestions. And when someone is so clearly a threat to the peace we need as a community (bringing it back home to Negronia for a moment), then peace gives way to war. Which is why I felt the need to let y’all know Jimi Izreal is weak like clock radio speakers.
Such a refreshing post… I agree, there’s a point where we sometimes allow pain to control us and mold how we view the world. I’ve been at points where I let my pain dictate the words I wrote. However, there’s a difference between venting and pandering BS to the masses. Homie crossed that line… Just the same, if he would’ve just blurted out random feelings on a blog or his twitter account, there would be those would still be offended. It’s easy to say all this with a clear head, but with pain as a lens, those lines disappear. But still doesn’t everyone has the right to tell their
twistedside of a story regardless of how many people get offended or disagree? Isn’t that right toldja? lolThis, I love. MamaToldja won’t steer you wrong. So much easier to not be angry w/ people when we understand why they do what they do. Excellent job of understanding without excusing. You are a true sociologist. Hope he reads this one, too.
my_level: Hmm. I hope this isn’t who I think it is, lol. Sure, everyone gets the right to speak. BUT when you speak, you have to be prepared for the reaction. When someone is touting “Black women are some f*cked up b*tches” under the auspice of “These is merely a personal narrative and I hope people will learn from it”, prepare to have your ass handed to you.
“it has been my observation that men seem a bit more likely to react so harshly to heartbreak. Women can lose it pretty easy too, but I think fellas are more likely to take one terrible experience and let it make them a ‘lifelong playa’. Ladies, we just get knocked down, get back up and let someone else do the same stuff. Again and again. We don’t give up on love so easily.”
-Sista Toldja
I’d call that a sweeping generalization, but I’ll go ahead and co-sign if we can amend it with this clause
“Men Give Love to get sex, women give sex to get love.”
I agree with you, people cause one another pain, and it’s your reasponsiability what you do with that pain.
” Jimi Izreal may want to tell you that “bitches” made him crazy or bitter, but it looks to me like women made him hurt ”
-SisterToldja
If women made him hurt let’s address that. Let’s ignore his failure to transmute the pain into goodness and light and look at the cause of the hurt and see if it can be avoided in the future.
I am sure agree with your assessment of the Book, if he is just preaching to black women and not addressing his own issues.
But if we can agree that a lot of men have been hurt by women shouldn’t we therefore be able to logically assume that there is something in the behavior of these women that we can generalize about ?
Tony- The words “it seems” and “I feel” make a big difference.
I offered my opinion and I will state that I should have said “some”, though I thought that was clear. However, I am not in agreeance with you about the sex thing. I think that is a misnomer and that reinforces a widely held myth about women’s sexuality always being tied to emotion and need for love. It also reduces men to creatures who use women ONLY for sex. Do some women or men do these things? Sure. Most? I really don’t think so.
“But if we can agree that a lot of men have been hurt by women shouldn’t we therefore be able to logically assume that there is something in the behavior of these women that we can generalize about ?”
Absolutely not. If I break up with a man because I am moving out of state and that hurts him, can we compare my act to the woman who leaves her man for another man? The pain may be the same, but there is not connection between the two women. This entire post was about taking ownership for how we process pain, NOT trying to create some generalizations about those who cause it.
Men like Jimi Izrael have some deep wounds that can only be healed through prayer, active lifestyle change, and some therapy. Most people don’t want to take an introspective look at their own lives and evaluate how their actions/behavior impacted where they are today. Perhaps Jimi’s version of therapy was writing a book that attacked black women. Nevertheless it’s hard to give view someone who is emotionally unstable as credible source of infomration. Their opinions are shaped by their pain.
This is definitely a step up from all of our outrage of yesterday’s post. I agree that people need to learn how to cope with their painful burdens. Lashing out when wounded is an animal instinct, but as reasonable thinkers, we need to learn to internalize what’s wrong, accept that some things cannot be helped, and move on. Once people learn how to deal, then they can learn how to heal.
If you don’t learn from your pain you’re not taking ownership you’re just being a victim. You know the cliche definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. Well in any conflict there are two sides, if you end up hurt you have to take responsibility for your part. But this process of taking ownership doesn’t absolve the other party for their portion of the pain they may have caused you. I don’t believe in being a victim.
What you seem to be saying is when we look at the gender conflicts we have to interpret all the damage men inflict on women as willful acts of misogyny all the damage women inflict on men as being random and unavoidable.
Allowing one or a few experiences to shape your perception of a whole group is lazy. There’s a part in Hill Harper’s book (almost done reading it if not for the ‘lazies’), that speaks to this. We tend to paint with broad strokes. One, two, or ten Black wo/men do you wrong, it’s a representation of all Black wo/men.
Ms. Toldja,
OK. I will.
Listen, that is.
Ears are open.
Minds open.
Most important, the hearts open.
And the mouth is shut.
I was only 19 when, in reflection over a poignant experience with a particular young woman, that I began to seriously think about her pain. To listen quietly to her, to her accounts and experiences of life. To silently let her express her internal hurt and frustrations and fears. Later, I ended up extrapolating that out into the idea of a particular kind of (for lack of a better expression) “Black Girl Pain” that is unique to their situation as A/A women.
I’ve since learned this is a very necessary part of my personal relationship(s) with A/A women. It is about Listening. Not talking at all. Really Ms. Toldja, what am I going to really be able to say anyway? I’m not with her to critique the circumstances of her life, but to understand them. It isn’t about me offering (dumb) “solutions”, it’s about me shutting up and ‘hearing’ her feelings. Her emotions are to be validated because, well, she FEELS them, so they are real to her! As with all things that are History (humm, I’ll leave it alone) we ain’t changin’ nothin’, including her life, ‘cause it’s already written. But I can listen with empathy and feeling, to maybe “absorb” some of the pain for her. To reassure. And to love in spite of the little bit of ‘extra’ all this might put in the way of a relationship.
You go first Ms. Toldja. Don’t be afraid of my whiteness. That’s just the outside of me. The inside is very human.
Great post.
ITA that Jimi Izreal has obviously been hurt in his past relationships. However, he could have worked through his pain in private. Muse hit the nail on the head when she said that the author of “The Denzel Principle” (heh!) needs prayer, therapy, and active lifestyle change. Word up!
It takes insight to know that you have emotional work to do. It takes courage to face those issues and do something about them. In my eyes that’s the mark of an adult. Unfortunately, Jimi Izreal does not appear to have come to this realization or be much of an emotional grown-up. Instead he chose to react in a very public and potentially damaging (to Black women; to the Black male/female relationship dynamic) way. Most people do not have such a public platform from which to act out. Too bad this one did. I would recommend he start by reading some bell hooks. (Heh!)
Some people simply don’t want to heal. Some people feel that healing is for sucker MC’s. Some people want to capitalize off their pain by getting others on board.
Most people feel…Well why should I?” when everyone else is getting a payday from being negative?” Negativity seems to get people ahead. FAST. Which what makes is so addictive. When people have something positive to say its generally ignored by the masses. Only when a situation is rife with scandal and drama does your name go in lights and that’s what people like Jimi Izreal want: their name in lights.