Hello all. Sorry to go quiet for a day, but it has been rough around these parts. I spent most of the weekend cranky (likely due to the strep throat I didn’t realize I had yet), but was confronted with a few pieces of very upsetting news on Sunday. I learned that someone very dear to me is ill and I’m too far away/too broke to come visit this person. Some hours later, I was devastated to learn that one of my former classmates, a young man who was like a little brother of sorts to me, died while on vacation.

I’ve been mostly in the bed for the past couple of days with a fever trying to make sense of everything. A few months ago, it seemed like doors were opening and magic was happening all around me. Now, it seems like pain and despair is all around me and my loved ones. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don’t. I don’t like letting the blog go too long without updates, so I thought I’d just share a few random thoughts.

1) A lot of people found out about my friend’s passing via Twitter and Facebook. I was lucky that Sis. HotChocChiBK called me and warned me not to go online and I was able to find out from friends in person. It’s a difficult thing: we use social media networks to report whatever is going on in our lives. And I know these networks allow people to grieve together, which can be very helpful for someone who is physically removed from the people they need to connect with in these moments. However, the idea of LEARNING of a death via Twitter just isn’t right. I had people texting me like “Who is that who died”, not even knowing for sure that I had heard the news yet, but assuming I had because it was on Twitter. And not even knowing that this person and I actually knew each other well.  I had nightmares that night about going on Twitter and seeing messages about other dead friends. That’s probably because I had a high fever, but still. It’s one thing when it’s a friend or merely a former classmate, but what if it was your best friend? Your girlfriend? Your brother? This young man’s PARENTS had not found out before it hit Twitter. I don’t think there’s anyway to enforce a “wait three days before mentioning deaths on social media networks rule”, but I sure wish there was.

2) People go so hard on single women for resenting singledom. I personally go back and forth; as it was when I was in a relationship, there are days in which I enjoy my status and days in which I don’t. HOWEVER, these past few days have reminded me how it kinda sucks to be mourning or sick and not have a significant other to look after you. There’s just a different level of care you should be able to expect from a lover that you can’t always get from your friends. It hurts a little knowing that certain things I’d like to call on my man to do for or with me, I have to do by or for myself. And yes, it hurts knowing that statistics say I might find myself doing that for the majority of my life. That “I can do it all by myself” strong Black woman sh!t is the pits, you’ve NEVER heard me call myself that and you never will.  I do it by myself because I don’t have a choice. And it’s not that I’m pressed to be tied to someone right now, it’s just looking bleek for the future and it sucks. Who do I have to be?

3) But my parents aren’t preparing to bury their child. So even though a lot of things look bleek, I’m still here to look. And I’m grateful for that.