The 90′s seemed full with conversation over the crisis of the Black male, particularly young Black men, as talk of endangered species status, the mainstream introduction to “Gangster Rap” and the heyday of street gangs dominated media coverage of Black life. The challenges our people had faced post-arrival in America had seen our male-female relationships deteriorate over the generations and the rift between sisters and brothers became more abundantly clear. Despite this, Black women continued to be stringently devoted to Black men without demanding any sort of reciprocity or nationwide dialogue about our troubles. Sisters who couldn’t find themselves to support Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson and Clarence Thomas were somehow traders and linked with ‘the plan’ to keep us down, even though all these men were accused of crimes against women. In ‘the real world’, we continued to stand by our men just the same, even in the face of a widening rift between us.
While the mainstream media rolled on our men via sensationalized pieces that focused on a one-dimensional tragic Black man monolith, our community produced a number of nuanced, thoughtful writings on the matter; this includes Haki Madhubuti’s Black Men: Single? Dangerous? Obsolete? Earl Ofari Hutchinson’s The Assassination of the Black Male Image and Nathan McCall’s autobiographical Makes Me Wanna Holler.
If late part of the ’00s and the early moments of the ’10s are any indication, we are now experiencing a new wave of facination with the crisis of the Black female. Specifcally, our low marriage rates. As far as outsiders go, I’d prefer White folks focus on how their actions have hurt both Black women AND men over the past 4 centuries, as opposed to them worrying about wheather I’m getting married. Let their focus on race be on dismantling their White privelge, not looking at us in pity and wondering why we allegedly can’t find a man. I’d want other minorities to examine how they have bought in to the stereotypical notions of Blackness as shaped by White hands. I do not want any one problematic aspect of Black life to be under the nationwide microscope.
Why do you think the Black woman’s marriage crisis is such a hot topic now?
Do I think there is a great plot by the media to destroy the global image of African-Americans? No, though I bet “The Rupert Murdoch Letter: How To Further Break a Slave” will make it’s rounds on the internet in the 2100s. I do, however, believe firmly that the Obama have inspired many people to seek out “traditional” images of Black life in response to the cognitive dissonance of seeing this happy, loving, successful family. The disease of White privilege makes it hard for those who suffer it to accept that this family does represent some common facets of Black reality: not plagued by tragedy, educated, happy, nuclear. But the marriage statistics, however, make far more sense to them and even some of us. They speak to the ideas of Black deficiency, Black pain and Black tragedy. “That’s more like it! Those are the Coloreds we know and tolerate- the screwed up ones! “
Alas, the Black woman SINGLE AND ACCOMPLISHED AND ALL ALONE FOREVER meme is spreading and there isn’t much I can do to stop it. Thus, I have committed myself to trying to bring some thoughtful and fair dialogue to the table. Black women can use this as an opportunity to engage a conversation amongst ourselves and our men about some of our griveances, our shortcomings, our needs and our desires. We can use this as a wonderful teachable healing moment if we do not let our women be buoyed by charges of “bitterness” and the constant need for both Black men and women to imply that there is something inherently wrong with sisters. Both Black women and men have some complicity and some responsibility to accept in assessing how we arrived here. But when conversations about the matter are dominated with “Black women need to get over themselves” or “You can’t let nobody define you, girl”, the chances that this healing will work are slim.
Black women are being bombarded with a lot of anecdotal advice from Black men about what we are doing wrong when it comes to love. From TD Jakes (minister; married) to Steve Harvey (comedian; divorced and in a happy second marriage) to Jimi Izreal (cultural critic; twice divorced, admittedly “bitter” and loves Black women about as much as John Mayer). As these men, of course, work the interview and media circuit to promote their work, people tend to take their writing as law. Outsiders accept the images of Black women as valid and Black people, so in need of solutions, will jump right on board with their ideas without examining them critically. It’s important that we realize that the information in these books, much like this very website, are simply the thoughts and believes of the author.
I’m reading Izreal’s The Denzel Principle: Why Black Women Can’t Find Good Black Men right now, because I blasted it on Twitter and he got on me for having so much to say about a book I haven’t read. Now that I have it, I’d say his argument was akin to calling a rival soldier weak and then pointing them in the direction of ammunition My review will go up at some point this week. My people, my people. I cannot imagine a group more reticent to deal with feminism/womanism than Black women (aside from Black men) and I can’t think of a group of people in this country in more dire need for a gender conciousness raising. Do not let every angry brother with a laptop tell you how to fix your life. And for the love of cocoa butter and red Kool-Aid, please stop adopting these hateful attitudes towards your own sisters if you are some how magically exempted from any of the Black Girl Pain some of us have been touched by (insert infinite side-eye and “Girl, stop” here). Don’t jump on the hate train, hop on the healing bus.
My next read is gonna be Hill Harper’s The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Trusting Relationships. I am a bit more optimistic about this one, for obvious reasons. If you have read either book, I’d love to hear from you and include your thoughts in my reviews as well. Drop a line via the contact form at the bottom of the site.
We can make it better.
Excellent post sis. Wish I had more analysis of the critical variety but I believe you hit the ball on the sweet spot.
Both sides have healing to do and it is not fruitful to continue to shuck and jive under the media spotlight. Your wounds will not heal more quickly by attempting to open mine. It seems more people are seeking to explain than to understand. Neither side is willing to say, ‘I don’t know.’ We must both be willing to listen to and learn things we THINK we know about the other and be vulnerable. We must be able to communicate our insecurities sincerely.
Lastly, you might could further expound on how white can be of assistance, if that is their true goal. More times they could just ‘sit this one out.’ The title: “Got Melanin?” Would set it off.
I’m reading Hill’s book right now. Well, I’m trying. It just not drawing me in as I thought it would.
Oh and I thought Teeth Harvey was married three times. I could be wrong.
First, I’d like to say that I am so glad you are back and I LOVE your new site! This gives me a lot of inspiration. I haven’t read Izreal’s or Harper’s new books but I’ll probably opt to read Harper’s…went to Izreal’s site and he’s right, he is very bitter. Thank you for creating this outlet. I’m definitely a faithful reader now!
I read (or at least got most of the way through) Hill Harper’s book. Like Ms. Smart, it didn’t draw me in as much as I’d hoped. However, of the books out now, I liked Hill’s the best mainly because his basic premise was that in order to heal black relationships we need to start a discussion across genders – simple but true. He observed that for the most part women talk to other women about their relationship issues and/or frustrations from a lack thereof and not too many men are talking about it at all. So his suggestion is to get the conversation started between black men and black women. So, I decided to read the book with one of my best guy friends and discuss it with him. We didn’t get all the way through it, but it was an eye-opening process for both of us.
Also, THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts here. I’m a faithful reader and love your posts! Much continued success to you!
QUOTE: “As far as outsiders go, I’d prefer White folks focus on how their actions have hurt both Black women AND men over the past 4 centuries, as opposed to them worrying about wheather I’m getting married. Let their focus on race be on dismantling their White privelge, not looking at us in pity and wondering why we allegedly can’t find a man.”
I agree 110% – I’ve always been skeptical of the MSM (Mainstream media) whenever they focus on “Black Tragedy Issues” – I usually view their “reporting” as an act of condemnation and ridicule, as opposed to sincere concern, or an actual attempt to be of “assistance…”
You’re much better than I am, because Jimi’s previous writings online let me know that he was a bitter man who really hates black women. I didn’t need to reconfirm the obvious by reading his book (and I hope you did the “read it in a comfy chair in Barnes and Noble” instead of supporting him with one red cent of your hard eearned money).
I do believe that we need more conversations, and to be willing to listen to each other (men and women). Right now, I’m focusing on regaining my hope that men can be advocates, because sometimes, it gets a little hard getting brothers to see, let alone dismantle, their privilege.
As always, I appreciate your perspective and the healing, optimistic tone that ultimately underlies each post! I agree, we can make this better, if we all truly choose to. Just need to start with the how and the now.
Thank you for opening this discussion. Much has been said by previous commentators. However, I want to add that as a counselor who has worked with women for the last 20 years, I have indeed seen a shift and it deeply grieves me. It appears that a war against our relationships and our view of ourselves as begun. I guess we were too excited/optimistic about our First Family and Black Love overall and needed to be reminded how f__ked UP we REALLY are!
I’d like to see our dialogue include not only an examination of gender roles, male privilege, etc. but an examination of how and why the loving relationships we do have work for us, this unique tribe here in America. We have had to create a new relationship paradigm for ourselves and we need to discuss it. Obviously what works for the ‘other’ community(ies), does not fully work for ‘us’. We are living out of another context, albeit one that’s been created for us. Just like we made a delicacy from the hog parts and an empire out of music & words, we DO have a special way of loving that we need to explore and own.
Love ya Sis–Keep writing and shining the light!
Ooh, me likey this topic.
Let me first say, I have not read any of these books, nor do I have any real intention to do so. But short of walking into a discussion solely about said reading, I have plenty of opinions and fully welcome being involved in a discussion regarding black love and relationships.
Of the books you named, I can honestly say, I would ONLY read Hill Harper’s (The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Trusting Relationships), because its premise is centered around what is needed… conversation. I mean its good fine and dandy to have gender specific views, and I’m sure they do hold some weight and are somewhat helpful. But an “issue” this inclusive is not best served as, “here’s what’s wrong from my view,” but better yet should be, “here’s what’s wrong, why we feel this way, and how can we go about starting the healing process?”
Please pardon my extra wordiness… but your question of, why now is the marriage rate of black women, such a hot button topic (nationally/not just in the blk community)? That’s a great question. But hopefully, the fact that it is, is a blessing in disguise.
Gr8 entry!
Peace!
another dope post. I agree wholeheartedly
I read Izrael’s articles. He and I usually see eye to eye until the talks about black women, then he loses me. I am no psychologist but his anger towards BW comes right on out. I notice that when it comes to the discussion of his book, he goes off on the deep end. While I too, will refrain from reading or even reviewing his book, I go by people’s track record. HIs is not that even good when it comes to the issue of relationships, so I will leave it alone.
I will check out Harpers though.
I agree that all these books from TD snakes to that one comedian guy (who is not actually that funny) are all in on the hustle. That’s a damn shame.