I am a longtime reader and subscriber of Essence magazine. In fact, my mother loves to tell people that she first realized I could actually read (before preschool, honestly!) when I picked up a copy at her friend’s house and read the cover aloud. Essence has the daunting task of serving Black women from practically ages birth to death and, for the most part, I feel they have done an excellent job. Have there been things in Essence over the years I didn’t agree with? Of course. Shoot, I go back and look at entries on my own blog from two years ago and want to smack the author. I will say that the Reggie Bush cover deeply disappointed me. Other sisters are infuriated and I don’t think it’s hard to tell why.
Even Black women who take no moral or social issue with interracial dating tend to be sensitive about the number of Black entertainers and athletes who choose non-Black women as wives and girlfriends. And at times, that sensitivity speaks to the caliber of the woman in question. For example, I can’t stomach Taye Diggs for the comments he made about Black women who failed to support his ABC series, claiming that it was due to his White wife. I take issue with him for his criticism, because it’s unfair. It seems to me that Black women MADE his career and he didn’t consider the fact that if more White men and women or Black men had watched his show, it would have still been on the air. However, I know that his wife is a woman who starred in plays with him. A peer, a colleague. Does it make me jump for joy to see them together? No, especially considering his seeming bitterness towards sisters. But it makes sense that someone could fall in love with a peer, right?
Kim Kardashian became famous for for being the friend of Paris Hilton and for being in a sex tape with Brandy’s brother. She has a reality show in she portrays herself as a seemingly vapid, shallow woman. Kardashian is beautiful, and she’s also known for a body part that is largely associated with Black women. Watching her star rise has been awkard for me, to say the least. We all know that had Kim Kardashian been a Black woman, she would be considered damaged goods and it would be HIGHLY unlikely that she’d be wifed up by a man in the spotlight. Some of same men who write off sisters for what they perceive to be overly sexual reputations laud Reggie for having “a bad chick” like Kardashian by his side.
Don’t try this at home, sisters. You won’t soon recover.
A lot of the ire I hear from sisters about interrcial dating is about the seemingly different standards the Black men who date other women have for them as opposed to for us. On what planet would a Black 22-year-old domestic get to marry a Stanford grad who is one of the world’s most successful athletes? Look at Kendra from “Girls Next Door”: could a Black woman jump from Hugh Hefner’s bed to the altar with a handsome pro-baller? What Black female could escape a sex tape scandal only to become a telvision star with a gorgeous, succesful boyfriend? Do you see famous or successful White men rolling around town with Black women of questionable accomplishment or ill repute? This isn’t just celebrity territory, I’ve known men who had impossible standards for the Black women they dated, only to settle for the most marginal of women when they were of another race. Is this always the case? No. Has it happened enough times in and out of the spotlight for sisters to notice? Yes.
Is it hard to imagine why seeing her man on the cover of Essence was not a feel good moment for many of us?
While Reggie Bush would be no more available to us were he married to a Black neurosurgeon, there’s just something that doesn’t feel right about seeing him on the cover of a magazine for Black women. The fact that it is the February issue and the words “Black Love” appear on the cover make the whole thing even more messy. With all the information we are getting these days about The Single Black Woman Crisis, I don’t really want to see a brother who has removed himself from the single Black woman dating pool with (of all people) Kim Kardashian.
A sister posted a forward to a Howard alumni e-group I belong to, filled with pictures of handsome, famous Black men. It was a joking counterpoint to pics of Stacey Dash and Melyssa Ford that had been posted for the fellas. A male friend of mine responded “Those negroes represent about 17 relationships with white women! LOL. Fantasize all you like ladies.” It was a slap in the face. A reminder that we aren’t even free to fantasise without being reminded that we are not the stuff our fantasy men’s dreams are made of. Not because we don’t all look like video models or movie stars, but possibly because we are the same race as these men? That didn’t feel good to read.
Someone stated on Twitter yesterday: “Isn’t it likely that Reggie was chosen by Black women to be on the cover of Essence?” I’d say absolutely. And those sisters made a choice that many of us don’t agree with. I’m not angry, I’m let down. R. Kelly on the cover would be despicable. This is merely…disappointing.
I look to Essence to feel affirmed and inspired. The world outside is doing a fine job at telling me that Black women are not always ‘in vogue’. And while I expect Essence to print stories that do call my attention to the more painful aspects of Black female life, I’d rather the men we drool over in between the pages of Essence could at least be the men who are more likely to lust after us back. Even if it’s just a fantasy.
Cover image jacked from here
Thank you! Great post.
The likes of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and those teenyboppers Disney own who leak nude photos and dance around stripper poles can do whatever they want.
Janet Jackson, someone with actual talent, accidentally/on-purpose exposed a nip during the Superbowl and all Hell broke lose.
why should reggie be penalized for dating one white woman? even the other examples used…yes, it seems that many famous black men are settling down with non-black women, but does that mean that they prefer one over the other? no. not necessarily. for all you know, this could be the first non-black woman they have been with. whether or not that is true, it is shameful and unfair that you posit that these men are only dating these women because of the color of their skin. there is such a thing as feelings. just like you want to be seen for more than your skin color, so do white women. it is equally as hurtful to find out that we are fetishized and used at times not unlike that hurt that you feel when you believe a man is not dating you because you are black.
i understand, and i can try to relate to your feelings on this issue. but please stop isolating yourselves. stop making these other women (women like me) the enemy. i come from an interracial family myself. i was raised with a black stepfather since i was a very little girl. i have nothing but love and respect for the black community. however, it is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain that when i constantly receive the side-eye when seen in public with a man outside of my race. i can't tell you how many times people have made assumptions that i'm easy or submissive just to come up with an excuse of why a non-white man was with me. i don't think it's such a far fetched idea that non-white men could actually be interested in me for who i am and not merely the color of my skin. conversely, no one is stopping you from dating outside of your race. now, more than ever i see white and hispanic men with black women….and that's beautiful. the more you focus on race, the longer it will take for us to evolve past it in society.
i do not see myself as a white woman. i see myself as a woman, a beautiful and successful woman made by my own unique experiences. i think that you would benefit from seeing the same in yourself. race does not define you, but until you realize that, then that is all you will be reduced to.
great post…but I threw up in my mouth just a little bit at the picture of Kim K. kissing Ray J. Just ewe….and that creepy side I glance he is giving the camera made my rice milk curdle.
This cover doesn't infuriate me in the least bit. Does anyone know who Reggie Bush dated before KK? How do we know this woman wasn't black? Or the one before her wasn't black? Why can't the man have a genuine interest and attraction that resulted in a relationship with a woman who happens to not be a black woman? I'm just sayin…I can understand general outrage with a culture of black men who choose to ALWAYS date outside their race and REFUSE to date within. However, let's consider that sometimes you aren't always in control of who you fall in love with. What is sometimes, just is.
Wow, sis. You really hit it on the head. I wish that sisters didn't look at interracial relationships b/w black men and non-black women as a testament to their own worth, but as your argument suggests, it may be a testament to the perceived inherent value of non-black women. It also makes me wonder how men from other races feel about some of the women that successful black men choose to wife up, like Kim Kardashian. Are black men treasuring the "trash" of other races? (I would never call another woman of any race "trash", btw, no matter what they have done. I'm speaking to the short-sighted labels given to sexually liberated women in most cultures).
@blakelee81788: As a non-black woman, you can't possibly begin to understand what a black woman experiences on a daily basis in regard to dating. I just feel that you have no right in your comments.
@blakelee97188 As someone who believes she has the "utmost respect for the Black community", a good place to start would be not telling Black people how TO feel and how they DO feel. It is erroneous, to say the least, to assume that one allows race to define them because they acknowledge the role it plays in their lives. This is a charge levelled against POCs by White people and it comes from a place of privilege. No, you cannot understand what it is like to be a Black woman. So don't tell us how to do it.
Sisters, get over yourselves please?
Oh yeah there is a famous black man that wifed up a black stripper Mos Def.
I really could care less about Reggie Bush dating Kim Kardashian…I particularly don't know him well enough to say he's a valuable enough man for me get all territorial over. Yeah, he's super fine. But he's young, an athlete, and obviously, superficial for getting a deep courtship with a woman that I feel is not the most intelligent. I'm not saying Kim is a stupid person, but I don't see a wonderful conversation initiating from her company! So, to each-his-own. He's young, I'm 31…we're not in the same league, don't shoot at the same baskets! Let's worry about men we can touch and really see a potential mate in…as for holding on to famous men as our private possessions…why that's very imaginary don't you think! Alice in Wonderland if you ask me.
The truth is black women are spoiled beyond belief. Black men don't choose white women because of race. They choose them because of how they are being treated.
To suggest that black men are somehow infatuated with women of other races but black women are immune to this is ridiculous.
People date others who treat them well. Having Reggie Bush isn't an insult to black women. He is a popular athlete who many black women find attractive.
I live in DC and there are so many black women chasing white men it is staggering. Professional black women have taken on the persona of white men. They have adopted their elitism and have mistakenly incorporated that into their relationships.
There are far more professional black women chasing white men than black men chasing white women. Don't give me that 'not on my level' bs either.
Ladies, I'm a successful, black, SINGLE brotha. HOLLABACK!
http://www.iamcamjr.blogspot.com
Just found your site,I really like it–except:
WHAT are you mad about? Requiring Essence to be anything more than superficial or topical would be like standing over a glass bowl expecting a gold fish to articulate the Theory of Relativity.
Honestly, I think you are trying to condense a 12-course dinner for 800 into a microwaveable meal. Reggie Bush* (note asterisk) is a special circumstance. He has the personality of a staircase; and unless you are talking about red zone coverage, his eyes glaze over like he is being assimilated by the BORG. Wealth is not as hard as most people think, but fame, is elusive. Why else would a man seriously date a woman whose
video "washing the salami" is a few key strokes away??
Changing the tank on the flame-thrower off to Essence.com
ACTUALLY all you women sound stupid and ignorant. i know for myself that black men isnt what you women and white media want to potray them as. i have 3 brothers and all of them are married or dating a black woman and my brother even married one with with a baby already.
Every time I read about black male celebrities and their white wives I notice no one ever bringing up Al Roker who's married very happily to a sister and a dark skinned one at that. And she's his THIRD black wife. Talk about devotion to sisters. So how come he's never mentioned? Because black woman don't look at him as some sexy desirable black man. Poor Al
This is a wonderful post. It's time that we have an honest dialogue about the self hatred in the Black community. There is an overwhelming number of Black celebrity men who are dating and marrying outside of the race. Many of these men have either vocally or physically conveyed that Black women are not suitable mates for them. They are obsessed with light or white skin and long hair. They want to have babies that don't look like them. It's sad. Young Black males look up to these celebrity men and are beginning to adopt the same attitudes toward Black females. The media has done a good job of degrading our image. We are all obese or possess nasty attitudes. It's sad that so many Black men are willing to continue the degradation. You can't argue that these men are colorblind. Brown or dark skinned women are almost never viewed as the " dating or marrying kind." Taye Diggs, Wesley Snipes, Reggie Bush, Kobe Bryant, Eddie Murphy, Babyface, Prince, Ray J, Michael Jordan, Ne-Yo, Russell Simmons, P Diddy, The Jacksons, Tiger Woods and the list goes on of famous self-hating Black men who date only light, mixed-looking ("exotic") or non-Black women. Show me the droves of celebrity White men who turn their backs on their women like this? Show me the White men who have done interviews dissing White women for the world to hear. It doesn't exist. Black people need to get it together or forever remain laughingstocks!
Hello Sista's
I read the post about Black women being "outraged" by Reggie being on the cover of Essence. I also read the article written by the sista where she believes Black women of "ill repute" would be considered damaged goods by Black men while White women are given a free pass. While I do agree, has it ever occurred that Black women are also to blame? White women are MUCH more forgiving of another woman's past then sista's are. If Black women wish to not be held to unrealistic standards then will need to stop being so hateful and judgmental of other sista's. Visit ANY black blog and read the comments that Black women have about Riahnna not being officially claimed by Matt Kemp. Black women complain about not being respected, yet we do nothing to destroy the double Stanford that allows our men to disrespect us. We cant complain without looking within.
Good day.
Lady Progressive
dope post
once again…
why is that when a black man is together with a with a white woman or something else than black that he is self hating ? am i self hating cause my Girlfriend is mixed race black/white? No i aint you women make yourself look ignorant Maybe its love maybe its not but only reggie and kim knows about if it is.
You women ignore black couples like denzel&pauletta and most atletes,actors that are married to a sister so you can pick on small things and hate on black men
To ALL sisters who agree with this blog: QUIT WHINING! Our outer situation is a reflection and manifestation of how we feel on the inside. If you can only notice that a black man won't date you, then you're blind to EVERY other great man out there. Personally, I've dated men every color of the rainbow and now I'm in one of the most amazing relationships of my life. You know why? It's not cuz he's black (cuz he isn't). It's because he's kind and considerate (& damn sexy!). My advice? Instead of focusing on the problem, try finding a solution and widen your perspective. PS. It's 2010. No one should be uncomfortable with inter-racial dating anymore. We're smarter than that, aren't we?
What you said was interesting because it does relate to other races. I am an Indian and I have an Indian fiance. He lusts after white skinned girls madly because of their perceived promiscuity (the same behavior in me he constantly castigates) and the idea that success etc is achieved when you've been with a white chick. After all Kofi Anan also married a white woman!
While I've noticed that his attitude is not popular or the majority, but it does exist within the margins of society.
However, its good that there are people like you who promote the goodness in valuing ourselves for what we are instead of who we think we ought to be.
On a personal not i didn’t go searching for a white woman, I like to think of myself as equal opportunity lol. However, I don’t really blame the good black guys that do consciously look for white women. Usually while the guys are in college and building they’re careers the black women dont want them, cuase they don’t have “game” or “swagger”! They’re too busy dating guys with no jobs and no aspirations with kids all over the place. So by the time they grow up enough to want the guy with the career and some stability, he’s taken. Well that’s their own fault! Sorry!
Your article said it all. You go girl. I have often been called a hater for making some of the same comments you made. I want my son to marry an African American Woman. I want a beautiful African American Queen to be the beneficiary of his hard work and humble spirit. You see, I have 2 beautiful African Amercian daughters, his sister, lots of beautiful nieces and I pray they will find a brother out there that purposes to take one of his African American sisters with him as he climbs this latter of life. It is not hatred, it’s self love and knowing the struggle. Thanks for the artical.
I came here via a comment from an article in Jezebel about the Kardashians. First I have to say that Essence – like every other magazine out there – is all about the profits, not about making people feel good about themselves. So being disappointed by a magazine and who they choose to feature on a cover is pointless. If you are disappointed by their content, you should vote with your dollars and cancel your subscription to that magazine until they offer an alternative that is pleasing to you.
Just because Reggie (or any of the other male, black celebrities dating non-black women mentioned in the comments) is dating a woman who isn’t black, doesn’t mean that he has removed himself from the black dating pool or that he views black women as inferior. Unless you personally know these people what gives you the right to judge them and their dating preferences?
The idea that black men should only date black women is absurd, just as the idea that white women should only date white men is absurd. Interracial relationships are rapidly growing in the United States and that’s just a fact that everyone has to deal with. So and so dating this girl or that girl has nothing to do with you or who you date. Relationships are about individuals. If there is a black man out there who doesn’t want to date you specifically because you are black, then why would you lust after him anyway??
As for Kim K being such a trashy whore…the world of celebrity is full of trashy whores of all races and colors. And we live in a world full of prejudice and unfair circumstances. I understand your disappointment and frustration, but it is what it is.
Complaining about what other people are doing with their sex/love lives isn’t going to improve your life one bit. Continue to be the best woman you can be, hold your head high, be proud of who you are, enjoy the things that make you happy, and just deal with the shitty bits of life as best you can, because the world isn’t going to magically change into the way you want it to be.
I love this thread!!! Not because I agree with the topic, but I love how this subject seems to bring the “anti” out in everyone.
Why are black women so mad about this? I seriously doubt it’s an issue of race-but an issue of thinking that you’re at a deficit to obtaining the social “brass ring”.
I mean-why Reggie Bush? Why not care who Forrest Whittaker is with? No one cares because Forrest isn’t cute-but I’d be silly to say it was just that simple. Every woman has this fantasy of finding a successful guy who will provide everything that she wants and make all of her dreams come true. Reggie being with Kim screams death to that dream for black women. Now let’s be very serious…all of the women who say black men don’t date black women are full of crap. There are tons of black men who want to and will date black women…you just don’t want them. To you, they either don’t have enough, or whatever excuse you can put on it. There are plenty of hard working, dedicated black men out there who aren’t famous just waiting for and wanting you-you just ignore them because you don’t think that they can provide what your fantasies are.
You want to bag on “cute” famous black men because you want the fantasy for yourself. Be serious, if you’re on here bitching about missing out on dating a celebrity, chances are you weren’t gonna get them anyway. If you want to date the next Reggie Bush-do what Kim did!!! Get off your butt and go for it. And for those of you who are bitching about the real world dating situation that you’re in-seriously open your eyes. There are black men out there for you, you just have to get your collective heads out your asses and open yourselves up for us.
Where I live garbage men make $80k a year. That’s pretty good living by a lot of people’s standards, but most women will just see a lowly garbage man. Get over yourselves and stop complaining about the ONE cute famous guy de jour that’s with the non black women de jour, and start paying more attention to the millions of very decent black men that surround you every day.
And for the record, Ray-J released the sex tapes-not Kim.
And if Leila Ali or one of the Williams sisters had a sex released they would be just fine!!!!!
Initially reading your article in Essence on my break at work…threw me back for a minute. My feelings were hurt by the things that were said. It left me asking, why us? I was actually blue and down for a minute wanting to cry about the state of the Black Woman. I even began doubting myself for a minute until I logged onto this site to hear what other people were saying and feeling; I am glad I did.
I am a Black Women that doesn’t live in fantasy. I am married to a Black man who worships the ground I walk on. “Am I a push over kind of women that lets him do to me what he pleases? No! We are equally yoked.
I chose my husband at 18 years old. I didn’t choose him after I ran through a bunch of men in the streets (to find myself); or allowed men to run through me any kind of way. I caught my catch early in the game and married my HS sweetheart. We grew up together and built, what we call, an empire. An empire of love, family, and success. We have been going 18 years strong in marriage and no it wasn’t easy and I can honestly say this BLACK MAN WASN’T TO BLAME FOR OUR PROBLEMS. It was me; my own insecurites.
What I have noticed about my black sisters, relates to what the Random Black Guy wrote: Black Women don’t won’t what’s in their face. Many women won’t things not in their reach e.g. other married men (because the know how to treat a women or a rich man). ALERT! ALERT! Rich people have poor people’s problems too. Just look at Tiger Woods’ Wife. There is no way in Hell that I would want to be her right now..LOL
Some of the females I know, beautiful STRONG Black Women, do have issues because they want a Perfect package up front. They don’t want to work at anything. But I will be the first black women to tell Black Women, you have to take what you have and work with him; mold him like he will try to mold you to his liking. No it’s not control; it’s working together to achieve a happy medium.
Many Black Women that I grew up with and new women I meet in my life, don’t bring anything to the table either e.g. higher education, submission to a degree, letting a Black man BE THE MAN or just simply bringing your own money to the table. Get yours first than I am sure many Black women will see men flocking to them. Just ask the Professional Black Women, particularly in DC. Men aren’t looking for stay at home wives, gold diggers, or whatever you want to call it. They desire equal mates so if it ends, “she came with hers and I came with mine.”
And for the record, my black man isn’t mad at me for making 2 times the money he makes but he’s getting there because of my POSITIVE encouragement and support to be all you can be in this life time. However, if he doesn’t achieve what I have already financially….MONEY can’t replace the love, stability, family mentality, helping me raise the 5 children we created together in marriage. Not leaving me to raise these children by myself IS ENOUGH for me because I have achieved the wealth that will take care of the 7 of us; no assistance needed. Many women can’t see themselves doing the reverse…(making the money). Like the writter said above it’s 2010.
Oh and one last thing, the guys I thought were nerds in ES, MS, and HS school, that girls didn’t want, are the ones that achieved great things but girls slept on them. Those jocks and “swagger” types guys, women loved so much back than, didn’t amount to much in my hood. Stop looking for the beauty (Reggie) and look a little deeper into people and into your own self. There are men to have for yourself but a women MUST check herself first and get rid of her sterotypes and her freaking issues. So What! he married Kim; she came with money before him….DUH!
What man doesn’t want an independant women?…just ask Neo the singer.
I must add, ESSENCE should not have added him to the cover of this magazine. If I had known the impact and controversy it would cause to my community, I would not have done the article on him particularly. I thought ESSENCE’s job was to inspire readers not SMACK US IN THE FACE.
After reading your tome in the March issue of (non)ssence magazine, I had to seek out your blog….this piece is excellent as well as the one you did on John KKK Mayer…LOL….after the Bush cover, it was interesting hearing from a few black women that more or less stated that sistas shouldn’t narrow their scope of men….what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, blah blah blah….but the whole Mayer incident basically poked holes in that argument, IMO…..the Bush cover was yet another validation of my cancelling my subscription long ago….that, and the takeover of (non)ssence by Time Warner….
and Janice, queen mom of 3′s comments are on point as well!!!!
Random Black Guy- Am I a bad blogger if I say your thoughts are beyond weak? Because they are. You fail to read anything I said, you just got caught up in “Black women mad about famous hot Black guy and famous hot non-Black woman”. Forrest Whitaker is married to a Black woman. Had he been with a White woman, he’d have ended up on a list about this stuff too. Would the cries about him be as loud as RB? No, but are you calling Black women out for being physically superficial? As if Black men ARENT? BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. I respect the right of folks to disagree on here, but please don’t be loud and short sighted and think you are kicking knowledge when you ain’t popping NOTHING but the same tired ass excuses *some* brothers make when sisters dare to challenge anything one of them does.
PS- the garbage man analogy is so yawntastic, I won’t even bother with it. How many of y’all are checking for Lady Roc? And who said we WOULDNT date a blue collar man? Stop using any criticism of Black manhood to dump all your insecurities and frustrations on your sisters.
I just read your article in Essence and I felt relieved. You really put the way I feel out there and you did it well.
I have relatives that tell me “I’m dating a white girl” like it’s a badge of honor or they’re doing something great. These same ignorant men tell me how black women have attitude problems and we’re a bunch of drama. What black woman would be in a good mood after hearing how horrible they are?
Yes it is a slap in the face when a man in your own race will not talk to you ONLY because he thinks that all of the stereo types are true. The issue is not about Reggie Bush people… the issue is about black men who refuse to date black women.
And why do black women have to change to get a man? I constantly here crap like “well black women don’t work out” (complete BS) or “black women should smile more” “We’re not nice enough”. There are millions of us out there, we are all different. I think if more black men took the time to know us as individuals things would be a lot better.
This is why black men aren’t dating you. Do you hear me complaining about black women dating white men. No because people shouldn’t look at color when they fall in love.
@Victor, I have to disagree with you about the men in college. I went to school in the Hill Country of Texas and the college guys all wanted to play. Subsequently, I did not date many men in college. Of the four I dated, only two went to my university. The other was in law school in another city & the last was doing his pediatric residency in another state.
I watched how the majority of the college guys treated other women, heard how they talked about the women they “dated” (read slept with) and I knew I did not want to be counted among those.
I do not have a problem with someone falling in love with a person of a different ethnicity (I hate when people use the term race to set us apart – we are the human race made up of different ethnicities). I do have a problem if that person speaks with disdain about people who resemble the person who gave birth to him and raised him. I would consider it a slap to my face if my son, whom I raised, worked and perhaps struggled a bit to make sure he took advantage of any and all opportunities available to him, brought home a playboy bunny, pole dancer or video porn queen to be his wife. A strong black woman raised you yet you pick this to be the mother of your children? Really! I say good riddance, especially when she takes you for half of what you’ve earned in the divorce. BTW, her half does not include child support!